Submitted by Charles Knighton

I have become convinced practitioners of the pseudoscience of psychology will not be content unless and until they attach the words “syndrome”  or “disorder” to every human behaviour, even behaviour  most would deem as rational. Along with the host of syndromes and disorders already afflicting my existence now comes another novel syndrome with which I have to cope.

The first step in confronting a problem, I am told, is to admit you have one. So let’s get on with it: My name is Charles, and I suffer from pedestrian aggressiveness syndrome. I didn’t know it had a name, or that there were others like me, until I saw myself described by psychologist Leon James.

People with PAS walk on crowded city sidewalks in a very brisk and directed manner, and have zero patience for those who dawdle or, worse yet, stop short to read or respond to a text. When idiots— I should say, fellow pedestrians—do impede our progress, we dodge among the dawdlers like halfbacks, muttering insults and fantasizing about violence. At times, we even display a “mean face” as we rush past. It’s all true. The shame, the shame.

One is never “cured” of PAS, of course; one can only enter into a process of continuing recovery. In that spirit, it might help me not relapse if stupid  laggards—that is, my fellow pedestrians—followed some simple, commonsense rules.

First off, please note that sidewalks, like roads, have lanes, not marked by white lines I admit, but lanes nonetheless. So please do not drift across the sidewalk without checking over your shoulder. You are very likely in my way. And please, do not just stop short, like a car suddenly braking in traffic,  every time some pointless text or tweet or call pings your phone.  Pull over to the side! Or something awful might happen. I might even display my “mean face,” and we both don’t want that to happen.