On Barbados Underground (BU) we discuss many issues, mostly serious issues, here is your chance to let off some steam by sharing funnies.
333 responses to “Jokes Corner”
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A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk.I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger.”The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?” and he smiles.
“OK”, she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama… when in fact you don’t know SHIT?”
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Television commercials
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV Commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like..
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.God is like…
a FORD
He’s got a better idea.God is like…
COKE
He’s the real thing.God is like…
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.God is like…
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.God is like…
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.God is like…
SEARS
He has everything.God is like…
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you’ll like HimGod is like…
SCOTCH TAPE
You can’t see Him, but you know He’s there.God is like…
DELTA
He’s ready when you are.God is like…
ALLSTATE
You’re in good hands with Him.God is like…
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.God is like…
DIAL SOAP
Are you glad you have Him? Don’t you wish everybody did?God is like…
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination. -
Maybe this is stretching it a little but this unholy sight raised a chuckle 🙂
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Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors…
‘Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
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1981 & 2005 – Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
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The Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?’
‘My wife’s.
”What happened to her?’
The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’
He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’
The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
‘Can I borrow the dog?’
The man replied, ‘Get in line.’
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The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s officeand asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white..Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.What makes you think that?
I got proof.What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
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HAPPY ST PAT’S DAY EVERYONE!
Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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Creative Puns for Educated Minds…
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an Algebra class because it was a weapon of Math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the Envelope, it’ll still be Stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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An elderly man’ son recently joined the Rastafarian faith returned home in the wee hours to find all the doors locked. He said “Pa Open” Pa replied Who dat out dey? Son shouted “It is I and I, Rastafari, the Conquering Lion of Judah through the Imperial Majesty Emperor Haile Selassie the first , Nyahbinghi, the Bobo Ashanti and the Twelve Tribes of Israel, Jah Rastafari” Pa replied” I anit opening this door fuh shite,too much of ya all out dey”
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Marriage Humour:
——————————————————————————–
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate
for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
——————————-Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
_____________Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there
be greater than this one?’
——————————————————–Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or
troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
_______________________________A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father
hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
———————————————————-Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
——————————-A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’*******************************
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on’
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining
consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: ‘Your Horse phoned !!! ‘ -
hope none of you are going on a cruise this summer…..
The Magician and the Parrot
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked on stage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and
declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”
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The Canadian Press WARWICK, ONT.—A man trying to pull his tooth out while driving has been charged.
Provincial police say around 11:30 a.m. on June 30, an officer responded to a complaint of a tractor trailer allegedly driving “all over the road” on Highway 402 in Warwick, Ont.
The officer pulled the vehicle over and discovered the man was trying to yank out his tooth while driving.
Police say the driver allegedly rigged a string around the affected tooth, mounted the string to a fixed point on the roof of the cab and waited for a bump to yank it out.
Police say the bloody tooth and string lay next to the man when he was pulled over.
A 58-year-old man has been charged with careless driving.
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With all the serious news and concerns recently, thanks for the above. Here is another one that GP may enjoy, as others hopefully.
from AP:
updated 7/1/2010 11:32:53 PM
Share Print Font: +-HANOI, Vietnam — An acupuncturist who claims she can detect a man’s virginity based on a small dot on the ear has become a minor celebrity in Vietnam, where she is credited with helping to free three convicted rapists from prison.Traditional medicine practitioner Pham Thi Hong started lobbying for the men’s release, pleading their case all the way to the president, because she believes all three men are virgins and therefore could not be guilty of rape.
“They all had small red spots on the back of their ears,” said Hong, 54. “The spots should have disappeared if they had had sex. My many years of experience told me that these men did not have sex before.”
Her claims are unusual even for a country where acupuncture and traditional medicine are still common remedies, but Hong’s determination to have the case reopened — even threatening to light herself on fire — led to prosecutors re-examining the case. The convictions eventually were suspended due to flaws by initial investigators.
“Thanks to her efforts, investigators revisited the case which otherwise could have been buried,” said Nong Thi Hong Ha, a lawyer for one of the freed men.
Hong says she discovered the spot on Nguyen Dinh Kien’s ear the first time he visited her for treatment four years ago. He was brought to the hospital from prison, where he was serving a 16-year sentence after being convicted of gang raping a 20-year-old woman in 2000.
After seeing the spot on Kien’s ear, Hong believed his insistence that he was innocent. She later examined his two alleged accomplices and began a campaign for their release. Eventually, President Nguyen Minh Triet ordered that the case be re-examined.
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Betcha nuff red ink pens going to sell in Bridgetown next week.
RFLMAO!
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord:I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!’God, in her/his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: – ‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!’
The Lord, in her/his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I f eel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.You got pregnant last night.’
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An Alberta farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
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Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
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Old Age
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the
deep end.One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned. “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond.”Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while,
the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their robes & habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice boobs,” says the man “Where do you want the blinds?”
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WOMANS PRAYER
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you’ve done.
Five tips for a woman….
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
“If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.”Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man
declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:(1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
(2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, malta in hand.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another malta while he deals
with the situation.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no
pleasing a
woman. Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man
declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, “Hi! I’m
Belinda!” This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, “All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?”I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
seconds. Also, girls aren’t made of sugar and spice and everything
nice….it’s Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?”
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not
use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4″ pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
“What?” I yelled.“Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.” Belinda headed for
the door.“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?” I
shouted.Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy. The door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be righttttt backkkk.”
Before I could shout “NOOOO!” she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked
and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite “Hi, how’s it going”
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. “Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.”“You bet, take care” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d
been standing in the line at the grocery store.Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. “Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps…….. -
Hi Old man,
Thanks for my first laugh of the day here in dreary raining, cold and dull London town.
Diana. -
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
‘
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.. They couldn’t help but stare.As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’
‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied, Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen. -
A Georgia preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.” This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’
No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.
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@Old Man
You full yuh jokes’. Ilike the last one. HA! ha!ha!
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WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
>
> This one is priceless….A lesson to be learned from
> Typing the wrong email address!!!!
>
> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
> where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>
> Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
> travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
> Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
>
> The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
> room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
> left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
> error, sent the email.
>
> Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
> from her
> husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
> following a heart attack.
>
> The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
> relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
> fainted.
>
> The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
> floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
> To: My Loving Wife
> Subject: I’ve Arrived
> Date: October 16, 2009
>
> I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
> now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just
> arrived and have been checked in.
>
> I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
> Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
> uneventful as mine was.
>
> P. S. It’s freaking hot down here! -
Young boy saw a bow legged man in the village with goadies
Says to his father Daddy looka dat bow leg man wid goadies
Father in disgust sent him off to finishing schoool to learn to speak properly.A year later the lad returns to the village and sees the same man walking in the street and says to his father,
Behold what manner of man is this that carries his balls in parenthesis.
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Old man . Yuh seem to be getting better wid age. Yuh keep knocking dem balls out de ball park. Two sixes in a row. Good job!
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This is a good one for the BU crowd- a good racist joke
There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida. One black mother and her child were on their way to visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention.
The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying:
‘We have overloaded this flight. We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the plane won’t go down.’
Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window. Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement.
‘We are still experiencing problems. We’re sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we’re going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plan e won’t go down.’ We’re going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name. To make it fair, we’ll go alphabetically. We’ll start with A.
Will all the African Americans please jump now?’
The black woman and her child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system.
‘Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now’?
The Black woman and child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system again.
‘Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now?
All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child, but the black woman and child continued to sit. The child then looked up at her Mom and said:
‘Mom aren’t we all of those?’
The mother then replied to her daughter, ‘Baby, we’re niggers tonight and the K’s come before the N’
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@old man
so far i have enjoyed your jokes.but dis wun i wont touch wid a ten foot pole.The”N” word nah! you didn’t go there nah! -
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
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@Old Man, Mount and Do…better name than Mount Gay.
Even if the second may be more appropriate for many.
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Two young policemen fresh outta training school see Ninjaman down by St Mary’s church about 11:00 carrying a wooden door (you know de ones with de louvres) One uh de officers say to de other “dis look very fishy”, > leh we go and find out where Ninjaman get this from.
“Excuse me sir! Exactly what it is you doing and where the hell you going wid this door this time a night?”Ninja man stopped, looked around, place the door on the ground while still holding it upright, get behind it, pull down the louvres peeping out at the police and said “wanna got a warrant to come in hay?”
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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”Now you know…
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking. -
@Hant
Very timely and appro. In light of the season we are in i.e poltically speaking and the Cadres Poll. -
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’
the man rep lied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied, ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.
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Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’ The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’
The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’
The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’ The young rooster laughs.
‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…..
third gay rooster I bought this month.’Moral of this story?
Don’t mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance! -
Thnx;
Man from East bitterly oppose reverse mortgage for old people that not desperate … now man from East know better keep mout’ shut .. no? -
The Logical Scientist
Two Bajans (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rum shop when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two start to speculate about the occupation of the stranger in the suit.
Phil: – I reckon he’s an accounkant.
Eric: – No man – he got to be a lawyah.
Phil: – He ent no lawyuh! Lawyuhs don’t come in heah!The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of rum gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees the stranger. Curiosity and several rums get the better of him.
Phil: – ‘Scuse muh.. I hope you doan tek no offense, but me and muh partner was wondering what you do for a living?
Stranger: – No offense taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: – Oh! What’s that then?
Stranger: – I’ll try to explain by example… Do you have a lawnmower at home?
Phil: – Er… Mmm . Well yeah.
Stranger: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you have a lawn?
Phil: – Yeah!
Stranger: – Well then it’s logical to assume that if you have a Lawn then you have a house?
Phil: – Well yeah. I got a house…bill it mehself!
Stranger: – Well given that you’ve built a house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: – Yes I married, I lives with muh wife and tree chillren.
Stranger: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Gorblimmuh! Four nights a week and ef she go to sleep early on Sundee add dat too!
Stranger: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you are not gay?
Phil: – Me? you is a shite? I en no pooch pickah.
Stranger: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Phil: – Wha yuh mean?
Stranger: – Well from finding out that you had a lawnmower, I’ve told you about your sexual status!
Phil: – I see! Dat is purty impressive…tanks skippuh!
Phil returns to his partner.
Eric: – I see de man was in dere. Did you ask him whuh he do?
Phil: – Yep! He’s be a logical scientis’!
Eric: – Wha dat?
Phil: – I guhn try and explain. You gotta Lawnmower?
Eric: – Nope.
Phil: – Oh Shite! You is a bulla!
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Chocolate Calculator How do they do this?
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 ….
If you haven’t, add 1759..6… Now subtract the four digit year that you were born — You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers areYOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
(Some people say, THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2010) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. -
The Polite Way to say I have to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.’ ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the dinner table.’‘And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted….
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What is Globalization?
This is probably the easiest rational explanation for Globalization:
A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.This is sent to you by
a Vincentian,
using American Bill Gates’ technology,
and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…..That, my friends, is Globalization!
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Intelligent agent inform that Globalization NOT include Whole of Africa, Australia or Canada …no?
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A Few Chuckles
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex…
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied… ‘The rest are for your father!’THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw,he could fly.’FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.‘These she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’
She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered,
‘They send us on bus tours!’
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http:www.barbados.org
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check this wikipedia!
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All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,
“I outlived the bitches.”
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@ ac, a relative told me that you were inquiring about me. Thanks for asking.
My Jamaican Mother’s Teachings
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait till we get home.”2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You going get a ass’n when we get home!”3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.
“What di backside yu thinkin’? Answer me when me talk to you..Don’t talk back to me!”4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.
“If yu run cross de road an’ cyar lick yu dung, a goin’ kill yu wid lick.”5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.
“If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief or walk an’ pick up bottle.”6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If yu kip on a tun over yu eye lid dem an’ fly pitch pan it, it a go stay suh fi evva.”7. My Mother taught me ESP.
“Yu tink a don’t know what yu up to nuh?”8. My Mother taught me HUMOR.
“If yu don’ eat food, breeze goin’ blow yu weh.”9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.
“Come an’ tek yu beatin’ like man.”10. My Mother taught me about SEX..
“Yu tink say yu drop from sky?”11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.
“Yu fyava yu faada.”12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Yu tink mi come from “Back A Wall?”13 My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.
“When yu get to be as ol’ as me, yu wi understan’.”14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE….
“One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way.” -
@Sapidllo
very good words of wisdom.yuh neva too old to learn!i hope yuh took dem words to heart. but when yuh gonna make anuuda submission ! good to hear frum yuh! -
How To start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
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