Parental Alienation Barbados is Unchecked Emotional Abuse

 

Kammie-Holder

Submitted by Kammie Holder, Fathers & Parents for Justice

Great communicators all know, when, how and where to speak. Not all pronouncements need a response for to respond is to give credence. However, there comes a time when you see the weak crying out and you are compelled to act as an emotionally strong individual, to do what comes natural. But don’t blame me, blame residents of Clinketts Garden, Church Village and Cliff Tenantry for my socialization stance against wickedness, deceit and injustice.

Therefore, after taking a step back in raising concerns about the emotional abuse and emasculation of good non threatening fathers within our system I am moved by many recent complaints. Let me in all fairness say men have been reporting a considerable change in attitudes from the courts. No longer am I getting complaints of, I don’t want to hear from you, let me hear the woman from men appearing in courts. The government did spend money on emotional intelligence and sensitivity training to ensure the public does not loose confidence in the court system. You would have thought the attorneys who depend on a living doing these highly emotional and contentious maintenance and access matters would have gotten the memo titled ” In the best interest of the child.”

Unfortunately, some attorneys who work in the family courts have not gotten this memo, and  are behaving like self serving financial mercenaries, ignoring the option of mediation while manipulating these issues, for another pay day at the expense of children.

  • Who really cares about non threatening supportive fathers names deliberately omitted from school registration form? Not the Ministry Of Education.
  • Who cares about how soft courts are on women who breach orders? Not the courts.
  • Who cares about the malicious protection orders taken out yearly? Not the police.
  • Who cares about the emotional abuse of children alienated from their fathers. Not the mothers or schools.
  • Who cares about the father who cannot attend form level meetings? Not the form teachers.
  • Who cares women testimony in these matters is always seen as gospel and men are suspect? Not the courts.
  • Who cares about the agreed amendment to the Maintenance Act of Support In Kind becoming law? Not the AG or members of parliament.
No one cares until dysfunctional behaviours sets in and we react by sending these kids to Edna Nichols or Dodds.

If the government really wants to save money it needs to look at the removing of Maintenance and Access issues from Legal Aid to dissuade mercenary attorneys from abusing system.

Much confusion is created when these matters go straight to the precincts of the adversarial courts where they become a blood sport for lawyers seeking to score points and drawn out pay days.  This government also needs to do right thing by the children and accept the recommended amendment to the Maintenance Act of Support In Kind, automatically the resistance by some selfish  parents to co-parent and allow access to other parent becomes a non issue.

Why do we allow the antagonist feminist who seeks to create the same inequality and gender bias they complain about to persist on a road of mischief? If our children are our future, courts, social workers and Child Care Board must not only utter, in the child’s best interest as a mantra, but must also act in the child’s best interest and not in the interests of weeping mothers. Parental Alienation in Barbados is real and it destroys children emotionally and leads to societal dysfunction for generations to come. The erasing of another parent from the life of a child is not only criminal is now cited by some countries as a criminal act.

Men are hurting and are feeling ignored and let down by a gynocentric society. How much longer will the Attorney General ignore the need for Support In Kind? Someday, we will be mature enough as a democracy to stop make gynocentric public pronouncements that the family court will make it better for women!

Turning it Around

 

When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, we will know that we are living in the creative turmoil of a genuine civilization struggling to be born.

A downside to being the blogmaster of Barbados Underground is that there the danger of being sucked into the vortex of perpetual negativity that is ever present in our space – to the extent the good that churns around goes unseen and unheard. It took many years for the blogmaster to reconcile this reality.  Members of the BU household who manage the blog, we try our best to rise above it, always with difficulty. One of the regrets to overseeing Barbados Underground as the lead in the BU household has been the personal sacrifice. Maybe one day these personal sacrifices can be detailed to incent others who must follow to build and sustain citizen advocacy by the fifth column  in Barbados.

Of the 47 official murders logged for 2019 Temario Holder’s tugged at the heart harder than the others. To be honest water wellup in the eyes as the Bajan might describe using the vernacular. Whether it was the fact he had not seen a star pitched yet, that it occurred in broad daylight in a secondary school or perhaps, just perhaps, the perpetrator of the act was of similar age; a minor who also had not seen a star pitched and will have to whither his early years in a penal facility suffering under the weight of his crime .

Many will come here to comment and direct blame at the political directorate. ALL actors in civil society must be held accountable when dysfunction occurs – a government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth. These behavioural tumours sprouting in the underground  ‘organs’ of society mean that they will eventually metastasize to affect us all, we have evidence of it today.

So far the reaction by successive governments to the deteriorating social landscape has been to employ reactive measures mostly of a militaristic design.  On the economic front we have aggressively adopted BERT, translated to mean Barbados Economic and Recovery Transformation program. There is the pressing need for the social equivalent by our leadership.

I take you back to Wednesday [Temario’s funeral] because it brought home for me the fact that absence of family is what is at the root of the problems confronting our society…And when we speak of family, my notion of family is one that doesn’t just turn up when things go bad, but family has to be that we are together both in good and bad times…Families [are] supposed to know the strengths and weaknesses of each other.

Minister of Education Santia Bradshaw

 

 

We have to understand the changes that have occurred to our family units in the last 50 years and strategise how we will compensate for the vacuum left by the decimation of the extended family, roles played by the parish or village church, social centre and village pasture to single out a few examples. How in a little 2×3 island the personable has morphed to the impersonal!

Temario Holder gone but not forgotten…

 

 

 

 

Fathers Being Stiffed by Barbados Courts

The following cry was posted to the blogmaster’s Facebook timeline by indefatigable citizen advocate Kammie Holder – Blogmaster

Dear David King I may not be an officer of the court but it pains me to have to publicly condemn our court system. The selection process of judges and magistrates must undergo greater scrutiny to assure they are fit for purpose in dipensing justice that knows no bias or gender.

I wish to declare I have come to the conclusion there is no hope for good supporting fathers in Barbados within the court system to get a sympathetic ear, justice or equality. Very pathetic when lawyers who are officers of the court would retreat and be telling fathers that they need to form a strong lobby group to deal with the bias against men they see in some courts.

After hearing the complaints of 3 men in the last 24 hours two in tears feeling hard done by the courts I must reluctantly publicly highlight the frustration of non delinquent fathers. It seems some magistrates and judges are showing callous regard to the complaints of good supporting fathers.

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(Father 1)
Why would a court system say to a father who has gone to court as plaintiff to gain custody of his daughter, due to her mother been unfit as shown by public records be told if the mother is deemed unfit the child would have to be made a ward of the state.

Is this the same lazy incompetent Child Care Board which refused to take the young man complaint serious. The CCB needs a radical overhaul and is it still relevant in it’s current format? This same Child Care Board needs a commission of enquiry to show its incompetence for no one wants to call that spade a spade.

I remember the indifference of the court after requesting to see my daughter under supervised access and seeking a change in venue because of a decaying dog. The stubborn mother said I was lying as whatever she told the judge was gospel and public opinion was saying the man is the aggressor the woman the victim. Thus leaving me with the only solution of using videos in the court of public opinion to show the #UnpaltableTruth.

It was requested of me by the judge to bring proof of a dead dog in a park for it may have appeared that women cannot lie. Oh I have the pictures in case any person wants to challenge my recollection of events.

(Father 2)
When a father who is been frustrated by a non compliant child mother cannot get a court date and we talking about a family court Father is saying to me he is frustrated and will be giving up. What are we doing to our kids? How can any father have confidence in a court system that fails him?

Some of you will offer a simplistic response and another will not want to accept food supporting fathers exist. What do you expect when the Attorney General, Child Care Board, Courts and Goovernment shows no interest in the plight or concerns of good supporting fathers trying to be in the lives of their kids.

Do not tell me about the old men social club called MESA which is a night out for old retired men set in their ways far removed from child bearing age and concerns of men.

If I am to expose who are my enemies for speaking the #UnpalatableTruth and standing up for a principle then let it be, I die but one death! Roy Hurley Lynette Eastmond Laticia Bourne

Jailing Good Men for Not Paying Child Support is Wrong

The Hon.Guy Joseph, Ag. Prime Minister of St.Lucia at the time made public an interesting view pertaining to the incarceration of good men for not paying child support. He explained the faulty economics made worse by the stigma that is then tagged to the men by an unforgiving society having acquired the reputation as a jailbird. The father becomes a social misfit as a result of being locked out from the society and the child NEVER gets the support the system should promote as a priority.

Watch the short clip to learn about his proposal about how he proposes for his government to help men.

 

A Father’s Role, PRICELESS!

Submitted by Charles Knighton

Michelle Obama highlights the importance the role of the father when all is said and done.

Marriage key for black family” page 21 article, Daily Nation Sept. 20, “Former magistrate: Break single-parent mould” page 5 article, Barbados Advocate Sept. 20

Local pundits, letter-writers and talk-radio hosts, singularly myopic in their quest to ferret out any word or phrase which might connote some underlying racial animus in the American presidential campaign have, in my opinion, neglected the most important statement uttered in either convention, a sentiment which has been sorely lacking not only in America, but in Barbados as well.

Herewith: “He was so proud to be sending his kids to college, and he made sure we never missed a registration deadline because his check was late. You see, for my dad, that’s what it meant to be a man. That was the measure of his success in life—being able to earn a decent living that allowed him to support his family.”

Michelle Obama was talking about her father, of course, and his struggles to make sure his children got an education. One could extrapolate her meaning to include the problem of unemployment, which, she asserted, would be solved by her husband if reelected. But the larger message was not political.

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Housework By Men Leads To Good Sex!

Submitted by islandgal246

Image courtesy: ©2009 Jupiterimages

A 2003 study by Scott Coltrane, a sociology professor at the University of California, Riverside, linked fathers’ housework to more feelings of warmth and affection in their wives. And a survey of 288 husbands, reported in Neil Chethik’s 2006 book “VoiceMale,” linked a wife’s satisfaction with the division of household duties with her husband’s satisfaction with their sex life.

One husband, Mr. Chethik says in an interview, reported that his wife enjoyed flowers or a candlelit dinner out; but “if he wants to be sure of a romantic evening, he goes for the vacuum cleaner.”

Other research supports the “work hard, play hard” thesis. Janet Hyde, a professor of psychology and women’s studies at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, has found that it doesn’t lead to less intimacy in marriage when wives hold paid jobs.

“Some people are high-energy people, and others are not very high-energy,” she says. Those who like juggling a lot of roles are often energized by the process, she says. “Work hard, play hard” may not work for everybody, but there is certainly a group for whom it does work.”

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Barbados Heroines

Submitted by Yardbroom


We celebrate Heroes Day, honouring those men and women who by great achievements have made us proud to be Bajans.  Their acts recorded, names well known and images in some instances, adorn the bank notes we spend in our daily lives; a constant reminder of the contribution they made to our society.  In some instances their names are known on the international stage and there, accorded the same reverence as in Barbados for deeds accomplished in specific endeavours…..we are proud of them all.

It is fitting that just a few days since the celebration of Mother’s Day in Barbados – dates in other countries sometimes differ – a gentle reminder should be given of other heroes. May I introduce you to my heroines.  Individually their names are not written in books,and perhaps you have only a fleeting thought of them but here they are.

Women on the plantations working in the fields, backs bent under an unremitting sun, then like sentinels stood erect when the driving rains came.  Far distant from any structure or shelter they just were drenched.  Yet they toiled and toiled again, to ensure their sons and daughters were able to attend those schools and colleges they thought were a gateway to a good education.  Now many attorney’s chambers in Bridgetown, with brass plates burnished bright, record the names of eminent professionals whose grandmothers and great grandmothers made that sacrifice, for them to glide easily in their flowing robes and pristine white collars.

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A Mother’s Role, Priceless!

There is the saying teach a man and you teach an individual, teach a women and you teach a generation. Whether religious minded, atheist or agnostic there is the appreciation by most men that a woman as the procreator and nurturer among us, she must be treasured and honoured.

Although it is redundant to state that a mother’s role cannot be replaced in the upbringing of a family, it bears stating anyway; her role is priceless. In today’s world of equal rights where women now compete with men for all jobs, BU believes a woman’s role within the household is being undermined.

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Is Black Still Beautiful?

Submitted by Charles Knighton

 

I had hoped that the advent of March would have put an end to the tedious recitation of the numerous accomplishments  of Black people that have brought change to our lives. Alas, Corey Worrell “In the black” (Nation March 03rd) has now disabused me of that notion.

Once again, Blacks have spent a few weeks looking back to great men and women of the past, while ignoring the calamity in their midst, the destruction of the Black family.  Fifty years ago the great majority of Black families had two parents. Today, less than 40% do and the majority of Black children are growing up with struggling single mothers. The result: an ongoing epidemic of school dropouts, crime, child abuse, and relentless poverty.

This should be no surprise. Children need fathers. And it’s well established that children from broken homes are far less likely to succeed in life. The boys turn to crime and drugs and end up in prison. The girls turn to sex and wind up pregnant, perpetuating the cycle of misery.

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UK Prime Minister David Cameron Identifies Factors Other Than The Economy For Well Being: Late Prime Minister David Thompson Said "Barbadian Society Is More Than An Economy"

Submitted by Yardbroom


“The UK government is poised to start measuring people’s psychological and environmental well being, bidding to be among the first countries to officially monitor happiness…countries such as France and Canada are looking at similar initiatives as governments around the world come under pressure to put less store on conventional economic measures of prosperity such as gross domestic product”…

After reading the above, I could not but reflect, on the wise words of the late Prime Minister of Barbados David Thompson:  “Barbadian Society is more than an economy.”

To underline my point; “The French President Nicolas Sarkozy, announced last year he intended to include happiness and well being in France’s measurement of economic progress.  Sarkozy was responding to recommendations made by two Nobel economists, Joseph Stiglitz and Amartsen, who called on world leaders to move away from a purely economic concept of gross domestic product, which measures economic production, to well being and sustainability”.

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A Mother’s Cry

BU received the  following letter about a week ago. After some verification we decided to share (unedited) with the BU family

I am asking for help from any one out there who can hear my cry a mother’s cry and pain and willing to help me and my kids. At the moment I am in the US however I am a Guyanese but I grew up in Barbados I have been a Barbadian citizen since 1988 my son and my daughter was born in Barbados. Like so many Barbadian I left Barbados six years ago and came to the US hoping for a better future for my kids as I was a single mother with three kids and no help from my family member. Five years ago I met someone and got married here in the us and have been lucky for a while I was able to travel back and forth to see my kids and have provide for them while I was away I called every day.

My husband had a car accident and needed to have back surgery in 2005 which left him permanently disable that was just the beginning of the bad news because of that it took us a long time to be able to file for the kids papers because of our financial situation however we have manage to do so a while back.

At the beginning when I left I had left my kids with my son grandparents I send money for them every month and barrels of food as well and anything else that they needed. Then I got a phone call from one of my sisters saying grandma and grand pa only wanted my money and the things I was sending and that she thought that grand pa was abusing my daughter, turns out that was a lie after she took my baby to the doctor and the doctor said the child had an infection which she could have picked up from the toilet at school.

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Angry Black Men: The Psychopathology And Its Perturbations On The Black Family

Submitted by Terence Blackett

black-man-angryBeginning any controversial piece of literary discourse can be a daunting task. Equally challenging is tackling a taboo subject area which can be exhilarating, as one grapples with the issues that are so pertinent to the thesis you are trying to build – in order that it may have structural integrity. The concept of “Angry Black Men” is a work under construction. It is the title of a book which is currently in manuscript form and will be due out for publication around the autumn of 2010.

The BU Family has got (firsthand) the opportunity to debate rigorously (no holds barred) how this postmodern phenomenon is affecting the Black Family and how this psychopathology can be contained and managed through a variety of remedial interactions and recommendations.

But what is anger? Anger is a natural emotion that affects us all at some point. But for some people, anger can get out of control and cause problems with family relationships, friendships, work and even the law.

It is a scientifically proven fact that intergenerational transmission of social, cultural, moral, philosophical and spiritual capital has produced inequalities across the periphery of the Black family and any attempt at a one-sided explanation of the issues which focus just on social relations or culture or discourse is in itself radically incomplete at the least and copiously sterile at worst.

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How Do We Get Our Children To Behave?

black_fathersHow often have we heard the adage, it takes a village to raise a child? Last week Barbadians were confronted with the sad news of an 11 year old bullied to death. The fact the bullying had taken place over a long period of time and known to many yet as a society we were impotent. The parents of the bullies did nothing. The school and by extension the Ministry of Education was impotent. The little boy before he met his horrible death was living a life full of torment.

May he rest in peace.

Increasingly Barbadians are witnessing the transformation of our society which has become very impersonal. It seems a contradictory position that a society which is so small should feel comfortable with what is has become. Many Barbadians from days of yore subscribe to the maxim, spare the rod and spoil the child. In an earlier blog we discussed the issue of Smacking Children In A Democracy. It appears a clash of generations when deciding on whether spanking children is good or bad for their development has created a deer caught in headlights position.

A recent study by Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire showed the more a child was spanked the lower his or her IQ compared with others. Old Barbadians will argue the point we have spanked our children for years and built a wholesome society in the process. By comparison we have witnessed a US society which forbids parents and teachers from administering corporal punishment and what has been the result? A scan of the US news networks on any day narrates a society in social decay. For example, CNN is currently running a news story about a 16 year old African boy beaten to death by other children in Obama’s home city of Chicago. He was an honour student. Over 3 dozen children  children killed in Chicago for the year so far and many more nationwide.

It seems we live in a world today where we are unable to put the train back on the track. What does the future holds? How can we rebuild our society to make it safe for our children?

The article which highlights the research done about how spanking our children can lead to lower IQs is pasted below for convenience.

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Barack Obama On: African-American Parents Taking Responsibility For Their Children

Submitted by Yardbroom

children“No one has written your destiny for you.  Your destiny is in your hands, and don’t forget that.  That’s what we have to teach our children.  No excuses,” he said.  “We need a new mindset, a new set of attitudes-because one of the most durable and destructive legacies of discrimination is …how so many in our community have come to expect so little of ourselves.”

“Obama also urges African-American parents to raise their children’s expectations by looking beyond dreams of becoming basketball players or rappers”…I want them aspiring to be scientists and engineers, doctors and teachers, not just ballers and rappers”.  I want them aspiring to be President of The United States of America.”  – Chris McGeal, Washington – The Guardian; Saturday 18 July, 2009

I was heartened by the President’s words, because in a response to David of Barbados Underground on the thread: The Children Are our Future, yesterday Friday 17th July, 2009 I had said:

“If we dedicate ourselves to ensuring that our children are better educated than we are, know who and what they are and be prudent in the spending of their money and to whom, almost all our difficulties would be at an end…that is a fact some of us do not want to hear it, but it is true, our future is in only our hands”.

What applies to African-Americans with some modifications because of culture and life experiences; can also be beneficial to black Barbadians.  We are allowing opportunities to slip away from us, as we arm ourselves with excuses.  That is not good enough, and despite the retribution I will suffer for saying the above, it should be said.

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Mothers And Fathers Working Together

USA First Family, The Obamas

USA First Family, The Obamas

Barbados First Family, The thompsons

Barbados First Family, The Thompsons

Mothers Day went in May with its usual fanfare. Fathers Day followed yesterday with more fanfare than has been in the past. It seems there is a concerted effort to highlight Fathers Day more than ever. Could it be that the objective is to rival the enormous buzz which is now synonymous with celebrating Mothers Day?

The BU household is fortunate to have its matriarch still firmly entrenched in the role, and for that the BU household is stronger because of it. The emerging position which seems to be enveloping modern societies appears to have created a contest between the roles of Mother and Father. In our view the motive is noble but the outcome will contribute to a further polarization of what we believe is the most important societal organ, the family.

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