At weddings, couples vow to exclusively have and hold each other for a lifetime – through their good times and bad. Within two years, the intensity of the initial attraction that fuelled their relationship subsides. At that time, each party may wonder where the love went. It went nowhere. It was likely never there to begin with.
A bride and groom make their promises to love each other when they wed. Older couples tend to give younger couples the same advice – marriage is something you must work on. That advice is normally discounted by young couples who believe that their mutual feelings of attraction is a love which will fuel their relationship for a lifetime. Attraction is a feeling that requires little work. People can be attracted at first sight with no effort. However, opportunities to keep their promises to love tend to be revealed when the initial attraction fades. That is when the hard work of trying to love begins.
SOULMATES.
Teenagers are taught to believe that they are in love if they think that they cannot live without the other person, as described in the Shakespearian play ‘Romeo and Juliet’. The object of their attraction is supposed to be their one and only soulmate, without whom life is meaningless. That idea is promoted in: plays, poems, songs, novels, movies and now by social-media influencers. It can result in unnecessary: conflicts, jealousies, adulteries, divorces, suicides and even murders (if I can’t have you no one can).
Couples who mistake attraction for love may exhaust themselves trying to recapture the intense feelings of attraction they once felt, rather than trying to love each other. When they cannot recapture those feelings, they may conclude that: (i) their love has gone forever and (ii) they have been tricked into a life-sentence of unhappiness. There seems to be three common responses: (i) trying to justify breaking their vows, (ii) accepting the life-sentence and warning others of their ball-and-chain imprisonment, and (iii) divorce. All three are tragically unnecessary outcomes.
RIVALS.
Those who marry without feeling an intense attraction may have made a business decision to marry-up for financial security, in exchange for tolerating their partner. After the wedding, they may struggle with trying to love their partner who is still riding the wave of attraction and does not understand why there is a problem. They may also struggle with forsaking other people with whom they feel a mutual attraction.
Both parties vow to forsake all others because they will naturally feel an intense attraction to other people for the rest of their lives. For the remainder of their marriage, there will always be rivals who are: younger, fitter, smarter, richer and appear more successful than their spouse. Frequent having and holding makes it easier to overcome those temptations.
LOVE IS A PROMISE.
Love is a promise to accept, forgive and encourage the other person for a lifetime, including during unforeseen circumstances – even if the other person does not reciprocate. Unforeseen circumstances may include: poverty, hunger, terminal cancer and an accident that disfigures the face and paralyses the body from the neck down. Love is not an easy thing to do. It includes doing what you may not feel like doing for the sake of the one you are trying to love.
Women seem to make their promises with the expectation that their future will be bright and unforeseen circumstances will be minor and manageable. Men tend to make their promises for the opportunity to have and hold for a lifetime. It is easier to want to have and hold when riding the wave of attraction. Once the attraction fades, the wanting may also fade in the party that has given up trying to recapture their initial feelings of attraction. Many divorces occur at this time.
DEPRIVING.
A man who deprives his wife who wants to be had and held, is breaking the vows he made to his bride before God, their families and friends. If he cannot satisfy his wife despite his best efforts, then his efforts are evidently inadequate and he needs urgent help. The Biblical remedy is for him to yield control of his body to his wife.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4)
Such a man, who has forfeited his rights in this area by depriving his wanting wife, should safely and dutifully: (i) eat what and when his wife says, (ii) sleep, bathe and exercise when and how she says, and (iii) hold, kiss and touch her when, where, how and for as long as she says – without complaining.
Grenville Phillips II is a Doctor of Engineering and a Chartered Structural Engineer. He can be reached at NextParty246@gmail.com
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