On Barbados Underground (BU) we discuss many issues, mostly serious issues, here is your chance to let off some steam by sharing anything you think is funny.
Barbados Underground
Bringing News and Opinions to the People
On Barbados Underground (BU) we discuss many issues, mostly serious issues, here is your chance to let off some steam by sharing anything you think is funny.
Television commercials
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV Commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like..
BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
God is like…
a FORD
He’s got a better idea.
God is like…
COKE
He’s the real thing.
God is like…
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like…
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like…
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
God is like…
SEARS
He has everything.
God is like…
ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you’ll like Him
God is like…
SCOTCH TAPE
You can’t see Him, but you know He’s there.
God is like…
DELTA
He’s ready when you are.
God is like…
ALLSTATE
You’re in good hands with Him.
God is like…
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like…
DIAL SOAP
Are you glad you have Him? Don’t you wish everybody did?
God is like…
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
Maybe this is stretching it a little but this unholy sight raised a chuckle 🙂
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat… Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, ‘I need to get up and get a coke.’ ‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine, ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good, I’d really like one, too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors…
‘Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?’
1981 & 2005 – Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died.
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died.
Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.
The Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?’
‘My wife’s.
”What happened to her?’
The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’
He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’
The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
‘Can I borrow the dog?’
The man replied, ‘Get in line.’
The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white..
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~
HAPPY ST PAT’S DAY EVERYONE!
Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Creative Puns for Educated Minds…
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an Algebra class because it was a weapon of Math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the Envelope, it’ll still be Stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
An elderly man’ son recently joined the Rastafarian faith returned home in the wee hours to find all the doors locked. He said “Pa Open” Pa replied Who dat out dey? Son shouted “It is I and I, Rastafari, the Conquering Lion of Judah through the Imperial Majesty Emperor Haile Selassie the first , Nyahbinghi, the Bobo Ashanti and the Twelve Tribes of Israel, Jah Rastafari” Pa replied” I anit opening this door fuh shite,too much of ya all out dey”
Marriage Humour:
——————————————————————————–
Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate
for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
——————————-
Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
_____________
Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there
be greater than this one?’
——————————————————–
Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or
troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
_______________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father
hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
———————————————————-
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
——————————-
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my
sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’
*******************************
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of
the horse I bet on’
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining
consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied: ‘Your Horse phoned !!! ‘
hope none of you are going on a cruise this summer…..
The Magician and the Parrot
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked on stage and squawked, ”It’s in his sleeve!”
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and
declared, ”It’s in his pocket!”
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ”I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”
The Canadian Press WARWICK, ONT.—A man trying to pull his tooth out while driving has been charged.
Provincial police say around 11:30 a.m. on June 30, an officer responded to a complaint of a tractor trailer allegedly driving “all over the road” on Highway 402 in Warwick, Ont.
The officer pulled the vehicle over and discovered the man was trying to yank out his tooth while driving.
Police say the driver allegedly rigged a string around the affected tooth, mounted the string to a fixed point on the roof of the cab and waited for a bump to yank it out.
Police say the bloody tooth and string lay next to the man when he was pulled over.
A 58-year-old man has been charged with careless driving.
With all the serious news and concerns recently, thanks for the above. Here is another one that GP may enjoy, as others hopefully.
from AP:
updated 7/1/2010 11:32:53 PM
Share Print Font: +-HANOI, Vietnam — An acupuncturist who claims she can detect a man’s virginity based on a small dot on the ear has become a minor celebrity in Vietnam, where she is credited with helping to free three convicted rapists from prison.
Traditional medicine practitioner Pham Thi Hong started lobbying for the men’s release, pleading their case all the way to the president, because she believes all three men are virgins and therefore could not be guilty of rape.
“They all had small red spots on the back of their ears,” said Hong, 54. “The spots should have disappeared if they had had sex. My many years of experience told me that these men did not have sex before.”
Her claims are unusual even for a country where acupuncture and traditional medicine are still common remedies, but Hong’s determination to have the case reopened — even threatening to light herself on fire — led to prosecutors re-examining the case. The convictions eventually were suspended due to flaws by initial investigators.
“Thanks to her efforts, investigators revisited the case which otherwise could have been buried,” said Nong Thi Hong Ha, a lawyer for one of the freed men.
Hong says she discovered the spot on Nguyen Dinh Kien’s ear the first time he visited her for treatment four years ago. He was brought to the hospital from prison, where he was serving a 16-year sentence after being convicted of gang raping a 20-year-old woman in 2000.
After seeing the spot on Kien’s ear, Hong believed his insistence that he was innocent. She later examined his two alleged accomplices and began a campaign for their release. Eventually, President Nguyen Minh Triet ordered that the case be re-examined.
———————–
Betcha nuff red ink pens going to sell in Bridgetown next week.
RFLMAO!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
‘Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!’
God, in her/his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: – ‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!’
The Lord, in her/his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I f eel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.’
An Alberta farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your Dad home?”
“No sir, he isn’t; he went to town.”
“Well, is your Mother here?”
“No sir, she went to town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘
The boy thought for a moment. “You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
Pray Before Eating
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
Old Age
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had
a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the
deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned. “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while,
the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their robes & habits, and paint naked.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice boobs,” says the man “Where do you want the blinds?”
WOMANS PRAYER
Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.
Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you’ve done.
Five tips for a woman….
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
“If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.”
Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man
declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:
(1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
(2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill, malta in hand.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another malta while he deals
with the situation.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed; her night off. And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no
pleasing a
woman. Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When man
declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, “Hi! I’m
Belinda!” This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, “All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?”
I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a
perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60
seconds. Also, girls aren’t made of sugar and spice and everything
nice….it’s Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a
cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?”
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not
use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4″ pieces of square glass) when we
heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!
“What?” I yelled.
“Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.” Belinda headed for
the door.
“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?” I
shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy. The door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be righttttt backkkk.”
Before I could shout “NOOOO!” she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked
and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite “Hi, how’s it going”
type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible. “Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.”
“You bet, take care” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d
been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. “Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps……..
Hi Old man,
Thanks for my first laugh of the day here in dreary raining, cold and dull London town.
Diana.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
‘
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.. They couldn’t help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’
‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied, Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.
A Georgia preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.” This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’
No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.
@Old Man
You full yuh jokes’. Ilike the last one. HA! ha!ha!
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
>
> This one is priceless….A lesson to be learned from
> Typing the wrong email address!!!!
>
> A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel
> where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
>
> Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
> travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on
> Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
>
> The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
> room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
> left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
> error, sent the email.
>
> Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
> from her
> husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
> following a heart attack.
>
> The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
> relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
> fainted.
>
> The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
> floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
> To: My Loving Wife
> Subject: I’ve Arrived
> Date: October 16, 2009
>
> I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
> now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just
> arrived and have been checked in.
>
> I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
> Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as
> uneventful as mine was.
>
> P. S. It’s freaking hot down here!
Young boy saw a bow legged man in the village with goadies
Says to his father Daddy looka dat bow leg man wid goadies
Father in disgust sent him off to finishing schoool to learn to speak properly.
A year later the lad returns to the village and sees the same man walking in the street and says to his father,
Behold what manner of man is this that carries his balls in parenthesis.
Old man . Yuh seem to be getting better wid age. Yuh keep knocking dem balls out de ball park. Two sixes in a row. Good job!
This is a good one for the BU crowd- a good racist joke
There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida. One black mother and her child were on their way to visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention.
The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying:
‘We have overloaded this flight. We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the plane won’t go down.’
Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window. Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement.
‘We are still experiencing problems. We’re sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we’re going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plan e won’t go down.’ We’re going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name. To make it fair, we’ll go alphabetically. We’ll start with A.
Will all the African Americans please jump now?’
The black woman and her child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system.
‘Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now’?
The Black woman and child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system again.
‘Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now?
All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child, but the black woman and child continued to sit. The child then looked up at her Mom and said:
‘Mom aren’t we all of those?’
The mother then replied to her daughter, ‘Baby, we’re niggers tonight and the K’s come before the N’
@old man
so far i have enjoyed your jokes.but dis wun i wont touch wid a ten foot pole.The”N” word nah! you didn’t go there nah!
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
@Old Man, Mount and Do…better name than Mount Gay.
Even if the second may be more appropriate for many.
Two young policemen fresh outta training school see Ninjaman down by St Mary’s church about 11:00 carrying a wooden door (you know de ones with de louvres) One uh de officers say to de other “dis look very fishy”, > leh we go and find out where Ninjaman get this from.
“Excuse me sir! Exactly what it is you doing and where the hell you going wid this door this time a night?”
Ninja man stopped, looked around, place the door on the ground while still holding it upright, get behind it, pull down the louvres peeping out at the police and said “wanna got a warrant to come in hay?”
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son!
Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
Now you know…
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
@Hant
Very timely and appro. In light of the season we are in i.e poltically speaking and the Cadres Poll.
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’
the man rep lied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied, ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.
Stud Rooster
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, ‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’ The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?’
The young rooster says, ‘Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.’
The old rooster says, ‘I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.’ The young rooster laughs.
‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.’
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and – BOOM – he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, ‘Dammit…..
third gay rooster I bought this month.’
Moral of this story?
Don’t mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
Thnx;
Man from East bitterly oppose reverse mortgage for old people that not desperate … now man from East know better keep mout’ shut .. no?
The Logical Scientist
Two Bajans (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rum shop when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two start to speculate about the occupation of the stranger in the suit.
Phil: – I reckon he’s an accounkant.
Eric: – No man – he got to be a lawyah.
Phil: – He ent no lawyuh! Lawyuhs don’t come in heah!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of rum gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees the stranger. Curiosity and several rums get the better of him.
Phil: – ‘Scuse muh.. I hope you doan tek no offense, but me and muh partner was wondering what you do for a living?
Stranger: – No offense taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: – Oh! What’s that then?
Stranger: – I’ll try to explain by example… Do you have a lawnmower at home?
Phil: – Er… Mmm . Well yeah.
Stranger: – Well, it’s logical to follow that you have a lawn?
Phil: – Yeah!
Stranger: – Well then it’s logical to assume that if you have a Lawn then you have a house?
Phil: – Well yeah. I got a house…bill it mehself!
Stranger: – Well given that you’ve built a house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: – Yes I married, I lives with muh wife and tree chillren.
Stranger: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Gorblimmuh! Four nights a week and ef she go to sleep early on Sundee add dat too!
Stranger: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you are not gay?
Phil: – Me? you is a shite? I en no pooch pickah.
Stranger: – Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Phil: – Wha yuh mean?
Stranger: – Well from finding out that you had a lawnmower, I’ve told you about your sexual status!
Phil: – I see! Dat is purty impressive…tanks skippuh!
Phil returns to his partner.
Eric: – I see de man was in dere. Did you ask him whuh he do?
Phil: – Yep! He’s be a logical scientis’!
Eric: – Wha dat?
Phil: – I guhn try and explain. You gotta Lawnmower?
Eric: – Nope.
Phil: – Oh Shite! You is a bulla!
Chocolate Calculator How do they do this?
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 ….
If you haven’t, add 1759..
6… Now subtract the four digit year that you were born — You should have a three digit number.
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
(Some people say, THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2010) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
The Polite Way to say I have to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I’ll be right back.’ ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word ‘bathroom’ at the dinner table.’
‘And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
The teacher fainted….
What is Globalization?
This is probably the easiest rational explanation for Globalization:
A definition of globalization that I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by
a Vincentian,
using American Bill Gates’ technology,
and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian truck drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…..
That, my friends, is Globalization!
Intelligent agent inform that Globalization NOT include Whole of Africa, Australia or Canada …no?
A Few Chuckles
MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex…
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The preacher said, ‘No shit?’
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied… ‘The rest are for your father!’
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
‘Your Honor,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw,he could fly.’
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask. ‘So, how did you persuade her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age,’ Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
‘These she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’
She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered,
‘They send us on bus tours!’
http:www.barbados.org
check this wikipedia!
http://tinypic.com/r122q9uo/5
All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” she replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,
“I outlived the bitches.”
@ ac, a relative told me that you were inquiring about me. Thanks for asking.
My Jamaican Mother’s Teachings
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait till we get home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You going get a ass’n when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.
“What di backside yu thinkin’? Answer me when me talk to you..Don’t talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.
“If yu run cross de road an’ cyar lick yu dung, a goin’ kill yu wid lick.”
5. My Mother taught me THE VALUE OF EDUCATION.
“If yu no go a school, yu a go tun tief or walk an’ pick up bottle.”
6. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If yu kip on a tun over yu eye lid dem an’ fly pitch pan it, it a go stay suh fi evva.”
7. My Mother taught me ESP.
“Yu tink a don’t know what yu up to nuh?”
8. My Mother taught me HUMOR.
“If yu don’ eat food, breeze goin’ blow yu weh.”
9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.
“Come an’ tek yu beatin’ like man.”
10. My Mother taught me about SEX..
“Yu tink say yu drop from sky?”
11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS.
“Yu fyava yu faada.”
12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Yu tink mi come from “Back A Wall?”
13 My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE.
“When yu get to be as ol’ as me, yu wi understan’.”
14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE….
“One day wen yu have pickney, a hope dem treat yu same way.”
@Sapidllo
very good words of wisdom.yuh neva too old to learn!i hope yuh took dem words to heart. but when yuh gonna make anuuda submission ! good to hear frum yuh!
How To start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
——————————————————————
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
——————————————————————
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
——————————————————————
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
——————————————————————
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
——————————————————————
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
——————————————————————
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 160 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
——————————————————————
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office…
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…
——————————————————————
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
——————————————————————
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
——————————————————————
Women’s Revenge
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
——————————————————————
Cigarettes and Tampons
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, seemingly confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
——————————————————————
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…”
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
——————————————————————
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
——————————————————————
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. “HEBREWS”
——————————————————————
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece!!
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked him.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move. answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT?! the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst! And it didn’t move.
The Old Motor
The marriage of an 80 year old white man and a 20 year old white woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, “Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?” The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running”
A year later, same thing with their third and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, “Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?” The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: “Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil … this one’s black.”
I remember COMMON SENSE…I’m sorry he’s gone. RIP
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I’m A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
West Indian Beggar
Every morning John would drive by Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.
After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00.
The Beggar was not too pleased, but said nothing.
John then dropped to $5.00.
The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5.00 and said, ‘Wah happening man yuh use to give me $10..00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now is $5.00. Whuh goin aan?’
John replied, ‘Boy, times get hard. Mi eldest boy just start
university and mi daughter now in high school…so you know how it is.’
The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief,
‘So wait nah…. yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending YOUR chil’ren to school?’
Bajan Wins Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate and a Bajan.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was ‘TIMBUKTU’.
The Yale graduate stepped to the microphone and said:
‘SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION – TIMBUKTU ‘.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Bajan top that, they thought.
The Bajan calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
‘ME AND TIM A HUNTIN’ WENT,
MEET TREE GIRLS IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEM WAS TREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU ‘!
The Bajan won hands down.
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly “breaks wind”. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”
Richard is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit.
There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.
When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you, ma’am,
And thank you for the peanuts.”
Then Grandma says,
“You’re welcome. Eat all ya’ want…ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off’em.”
Farting at Tiffany’s
A lady walks into Tiffany’s .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it…
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts…
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near…
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her…
Good looking and as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s…
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, madam. How may we help you today???
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’
He answers, “Madam .. If you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit when i tell you the price …”
The Pastor’s Cat
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the Pastor of his church.
He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.
The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went ‘bong!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.
The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No; nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”
She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
What does your profession say about you?
1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”
5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4..25, so I also handed her a quarter..
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD’s.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’
We haven’t used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Story from Collingwood, Ontario .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Winnipeg , Manitoba .
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened in Toronto , Ontario .
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is a government employee in Montreal , P.Q.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’
This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph , Ontario
STAY ALERT! They walk among us…
Subject: THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN WOMAN
The first man married a woman from England.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
House and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Germany.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Canada.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
Laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see
Anything but, by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
Could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that
He could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty peeing.
Eugene, a furniture dealer from St. John’s Newfoundland, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Eugene couldn’t understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner….. after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Eugene has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
How To Tell Democrats from Other Party
Although to the casual glance the Democrats and the other party may appear to be almost indistinguishable, here are some hints which should result in positive identification.
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. The other party form censorship committees and read them as a group.
Democrats give their worn clothes to those less fortunate; the other party wear theirs.
Democrats step on the bugs. Other party hire exterminators.
Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking, but are not successful. Neither is the other party
Democrats put the financial pages of the newspaper in the bottom of the bird cage. The other party study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. Other party raise dahlia, dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats eat the fish they catch. Other party hang them on the wall.
Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Other Party follow the plans their grandfathers made.
Democrats ought to keep their shades drawn but don’t. Other Party tend to keep theirs drawn although there is seldom any reason why they should.
Pretty great post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to mention that I’ve really loved browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing for your rss feed and I am hoping you write once more soon!
THESE Jokes real long >>time for a short one
A sailor steps off this ship horny and eager with a 11 inch dick….wanting to embarrass his younger shipmates he beckons….’Come guys lets go to this whore house and pick a fare”….moving briskly into the booth first with his enormous tool intending to put the youth to shame….he cooly glances over his shoulder and informs the other shipmate ….using the martime lingo knotts = a measure of speed..”Boys it going be nuff knotts”.
After about 2 hours he come out the booth looking rather proud of his performances and sure of himself ..he ask the damsel…”.Madam tell the fellows how many knotts I was doing..”..Damsel nonchalantly looks at her nails ..and reply with some disdain.. “You were doing 3 Knotts …..Ya was Knott IN ….Knott know wat ya were DOING…..and Knott getting back ya money….
FS was taking a tour of Barbados by helicopter, suddenly, he felt generous, so be told the pilot to fly lower so that he can drop a hundred dollar bill and make a bajan happy during this recession, Chris Sinckler told him it would be better if he got it change and drop two $50.00 and make two bajans happy. Donville Inniss told him change it into $20..00 and make five bajans happy. Ronald Jones then chipped it “Fs it would be best if you jump out and make the whole of Barbados hHAPPY.”Especially with general elections so close.
A little levity?
http://bajan.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/amused.jpg
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’
When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Saviour?’
But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?’
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
I’ll break it in half!’
The Nun promptly passed out!
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up…
Two friends decides to go one a fishing trip………………………one says to the other”i tink i “ll bring muh wife along ……………………………not a good idea answers his friend……………………why not? replies the friend……………..easy answer his friend replies “cause last time yuh wife cum-a-long de only ting we caught all day was hell
DON’T FART IN BED
If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you !
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood
curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,”Honey, you were right.”
“All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”
A Woman’s Cruise Ship Diary
DEAR DIARY – DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship, all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided
on this “all girls” trip. It will be my first one and I can’t wait!
DEAR DIARY – DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today; seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete
with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano bar. Stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me,
bought me several large drinks. He really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY – DAY 6
Today I saved 1,600 lives!
I am sure that she is blond
This ain’t no joke.
David you should have a Storm Watch blog at the top.
A TROPICAL STORM WARNING IS IN EFFECT FOR…
* BARBADOS
* DOMINICA
* ST. LUCIA
* MARTINIQUE
* GUADELOUPE
* PUERTO RICO
http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/
Thanks Hants, the traditional media is in high gear and we are all monitoring. So far the island has not been fully effected by the system as predicted but as the system passes around 5AM there is the expectation conditions will deteriorate.
The local TV station is expected to be live from 3AM – cbc.bb
and there is VOB92.9
And the weather site.
BAJAN JOKE:
“The Last Meal”
Three prisoners are waiting to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Trini responds, “A chicken Roti.” The warden serves him his Roti, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Jamaican requests Jerk Pork. The warden serves him his Jerk Pork, and then escorts him to his execution.
The Bajan requests a bag of plums. The warden asks: “plums???”
“Yes, plums” says the Bajan.
The warden replies, “but them outta season!”
“So?” replies the Bajan. “I gine wait…”
DIVORCE versus MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist; looked straight into his eyes, and said,
“I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law!
I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
A good one!
Freundel’s ID
Freundel walks into First Caribbean Bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says,
“Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier:
“It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Freundel:
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to.
I am Freundel Stuart, Leader of Government, Leader of the Democratic Labour Party and Prime Minister of Barbados”
Cashier:
“Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks
because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc.,
I must insist on seeing ID.”
Freundel:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier:
“I am sorry Mr Stuart but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Freundel:
“I am urging you, please, to cash this check.”
Cashier:
“Look Mr Stuart, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Rihanna came into the bank without ID. To prove she was Rihanna she sang a verse from her hit song Umbrella. With that beautiful voice we knew she was Rihanna and cashed her check.
“Another time, Mc Fingall came in without ID. He told one of his hillarious jokes and had the entire bank cracking up with laughter. With that joke we knew it was Mac and cashed his check.
“So, Mr Stuart, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the Leader of Government, Leader of the Democratic Labour Party and Prime Minister of Barbados?
Mr Stuart stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says,
“Honestly, my mind is a total blank… there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue”.
Cashier:
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr Prime Minister …
Lifted from FB
A clip featuring Bajan cussing in the only way Bajans can deliver.
https://barbadosunderground.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/bajan-cussing_nasty_01sgt-holder.mp3
PM Freundel Stuart is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the PM if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” says PM Stuart, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted leader. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. PM Stuart searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If LIAT carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaims PM Stuart, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
@racehrse,
One of the best jokes on BU ever. rotflmrao.
@Hants
BU gives the edge to the Bajan cussing a policeman above.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in. After bathing, she came out naked with legs spread and shaving in front of him and she tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother Kwame, what brings you here? Is everything fine at home?””He replied, “Yes ooh, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now…HAAAAAAAA
(C&P) “Of course I won’t laugh”. said the nurse. “I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay, then,” Said Mr. Smith, and he proceeded to drop his pants revealing the smallest doggie the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. “I am very sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“Its swollen,” Mr. Smith replied.
She ran out of the room.
I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I’ve not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don’t worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said “No, you’re still black”.
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, “Fat chance with a face like that!”
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What’s wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus,”the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?” The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works better !
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, “I’m gonna take that!”
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”
I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,—-which I got wrong. The question was, “Where do women have the curliest hair ?”
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says.
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. ” OK. You’re bloody ugly as well.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153031757496336&set=a.46165496335.68174.500441335&type=1
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10205715617106832&set=a.3218655942436.2157063.1147500616&type=1
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=520061561465000&set=a.103098103161350.4554.100003834820363&type=1
An elderly lady
was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat tight so that it would not blow away in the
wind. A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but
did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the
lady. “I need both my hands to hold
onto this hat.” “But madam, you must know
that you are not wearing any underwear and your privates are
exposed!” said the gentleman in
earnest. The woman looked down, then
back up at the man and replied,
“Sir,anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!”
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153029249349767
Hahaha He Made The Switch So Fast from gay to Normal
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=946932325349572
https://fbstatic-a.akamaihd.net/rsrc.php/v2/y4/r/-PAXP-deijE.gif
You do good, you do it to yourself. You do bad you do it to yourself. LMAO
The President of a known Charity, Tamita Griffith has been leaking Board Discussions and email to persons outside the Board since last year. The intention was to cause strife among factions, and man did it cause some strife. Half the Board gone by January but that wasn’t enough. More leaks, and the crown was, she brought an unannounced visitor to the last Board Meeting to read to her and the entire Board what another member had communicated to her, Tamita Griffith, in private. more walk outs; meeting in uproar but she smile, like Simms (Paul Keen Douglas). Now the emails all over the internet, and she and the Board want to know who/which and the blaming game is on and firing, but Tammi ain’t thinking is she got hacked, she pointing at every body. Oh, that little Lady, Queen of Mean, the depths to which she dives would turn any man pea green and others pearl purple. And manipulations? And subversion? Ouch! A 13 member Board now has only 5 members but she still sailing on like a ship without a rudder.
Knock back harder than knock.
https://www.facebook.com/jebniecie/videos/879108785545641/
Translators required:
https://www.facebook.com/brenda.artman.5/videos/1001171753278614/
Real talk….lol
Gynecologist’s Assistant:
A retired man went into the Job Center in Oistins and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist’s Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
“The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you’ll have to go to Pie Corner, St. Lucy.”
“Good grief,” the man asked, “Is that where the job is?”
“No sir . . . that’s where the end of the line is right now.” 😂 😃😂
https://www.facebook.com/kendours/videos/10154412519260090/
Donald Trump has the misfortune of meeting Little Johnnie:
Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’ So he asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy’.
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Trump, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained Trump. “That’s what we would call great loss.”
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.”Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Trump, “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”
The teacher left the room..
https://www.facebook.com/ahmakinyuhout/videos/1368776089813110/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED
https://scontent-waw1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/38253895_148723992678117_6284691950494810112_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=42fb1c27f98e9d905e4b6352c1d656be&oe=5BC79F81