Felicia Browne – Human and Gender Justice Advisor Caribbean Mentorship Institute – CMI
November 25, 2013, was designated as International Day for the Eradication of Violence against women and girls. Secretary General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-Moon, exhorted everyone to “Break the silence. When you witness violence against women and girls, do not sit back. Act.” However, since the 25th, we, in the Caribbean region, have witnessed an upsurge of violent acts of abuse against women and children, mainly in domestic contexts.
In many Caribbean societies, there is an aim to primarily focus on their victims and the nature of their deaths, rather than the deep and fundamental causes of these inhumane acts against human life. Many of these victims are women and children, some of whom were known to be victims of continual abuse or violence within their respective communities. In such human tragedies, it is very alarming that in many of these cases, children are involved –whether directly or indirectly. As we continue to implement effective legislation to try to protect the human and civil rights of these victims, many advocates are fully convinced that these legal and social procedures require the collective efforts of every citizen.
Recently, in Barbados, three women were violently murdered by their spouses, while in Trinidad two children have suffered hideous death at the hands of their parents. In addition there have been brutal murders of women, including a female teenager, in Jamaica. In all these instances, the perpetrators are males. Domestic violence has been defined as physical, emotional and psychological abuse by spouses; yet, hardly do we ever consider the devastating effects that children endure within these abusive environments.
The nature and content of domestic violence must be critically assessed from all angles within our society. We must continue to engage young people and children on its effects and ability to create further harm within their homes, communities, schools and society. Given the high levels of domestic violence, it is almost inevitable that many children are either witnesses or victims of these violent abuses.
Felicia Browne, Human and Gender Justice Advisor- from the Caribbean Mentorship Institute observes that “young Keyana Cumberbatch and baby Jacob Monroe from Trinidad should send a strong warning sign to other Caribbean societies, that child abuse and domestic violence are deeply connected. In many cases, these abuses are direct causes of domestic violence in which the child becomes the immediate victim physical harm, and even death. Domestic violence should no longer be seen only as a violation of an adult person, but a violation of children’s right to live in a peaceful and secure environment.”
Additionally, though gender justice assumes that all human beings, including children, have equal Human Rights, many children are left to suffer under the hands of their relatives or parents. We must continue to also engage our males in resolving these gender-based concerns given that the majority of perpetrators are young males. These types of gender-based crimes should be warning signs that there are troubling inequalities and ideological distortions that continue to exist within our region.
Browne adds that “we cannot eradicate violence against women and children without engaging our males. We can, however, begin the dialogue and create alternative solutions for them. Our norms have to change, our culture has to change, and our socio-political outlook has to change when dealing with gender-based violence and its associated concerns. The very way we nurture and socialize our males must begin to reflect our demand for social change. As parents, we must ensure that we demonstrate to our children, a responsibility in the way that we deal with issues in the home. We can show that intelligent and calm discussion will resolve an issue or concern with much better effect, than any act of violence. Or else how can we expect our children to know better? We cannot expect to violate our young males and expect that our sons will behave differently when dealing with their children, wives or spouses. The onus is on us, to change the shape of our homes, most importantly our attitudes towards our children- in particular our sons. Children’s Rights are Human Rights. Domestic Violence is a direct violation of their rights. We must begin to re-evaluate the nature of Domestic Violence and its detrimental role of child development, safety and societal peace.
“We cannot expect to violate our young males and expect that our sons will behave differently when dealing with their children, wives or spouses. The onus is on us, to change the shape of our homes, most importantly our attitudes towards our children- in particular our sons. ”
Daughters are violated too when they witness domestic abuse. How can parents change or break this cycle when this is all they know? Children who are victims of this abuse have no where to turn to. It was my dark secret and no one at school knew what happened at home. As a child victim I dreaded going home because I was afraid that one day I will find my mother dead. When I arrived home it was a great relief to hear my mother’s voice. Whenever there was a quarrel I stood close by to make sure that I will be able to help protect my mother which I did at the age of 17. My father got a taste of his own medicine from his children after which he never attempted to hit my mother again. After 25 years of abuse my mother got the courage to divorce my father. Of course he gave her hell by not wanting to pay alimony and stopped after a few years. The police were a waste of time then 45 years ago and now. They had several cutlasses belonging to my father who threatened and had beaten my mother with. Our women are not safe and haven’t been so for 300 years.
Are the strategies in play complex enough to make a difference? A lot of it seems to be more token than substance.
As always David, this is a simple case of making up our beds and then complaining about having to lie in it.
We have developed a soft hearted approach to crime and criminals based on the advise of a bunch of ungodly white people – which leads us to tolerate and forgive the most vile kinds of crimes.
Murderers are “punished” with free access to the best lawyers, expensive court resources, and then 5-10 years in a “state of the art” prison – learning new skills and being well fed while doing casual exercises to keep healthy and fit.
“White collar crime” is not even a crime ….judging from the open manner in which it is tolerated. Bribery and underhand dealings clearly occur at the highest level.
Businessmen OPENLY bribe political parties and politicians….and one another….
Politicians OPENLY beat women and laugh when they call the police.
Prime Ministers have been known to beat MULTIPLE women
Deputy Prime ministers have assaulted women…
……and we all laugh and make mock sport….
Now what the a$$ wunna complaining about? …having made up that bed – where wunna expect to lay down? …in peace and tranquility?
Only a brass bowl could expect to plant poison cassava and then reap tomatoes….
Glad to see domestic violence against women and children and violations of children are finally being debated in the Caribbean, that is a start..
Domestic violence has never been taken seriously before nor after independence. When a country’s judiciary system ignores the physical and mental safety of their womenfolk it says that their women are not important.
When a man could get only five years for murdering his partner and after release to do it again then we women cannot trust the system. When a man was convicted on a lesser charge of manslaughter for killing a woman because she changed her mind about sex and the DPP said it was provocation on her part that caused her death, then why should we trust the court system.
Yes women have made great strides educationally and professionally BUT the scourge of domestic violence still haunts us.
Domestic abusers are like pit bulls gone wild. They should be put down if they cannot be rehabilitated!
Islandgal
The fact is that we are JOKERS.
If society proactively took a STRONG stance against injustice and crime…AND MEANT IT!! ….AND SHOWED THAT IT MEANT IT BY SERIOUSLY APPLYING MEANINGFUL PENALTIES, then we would see the kind of results you would like to see.
…it is the same shiite with immigration.
It is GREAT to welcome new, nice, compatible immigrants into ANY society….. At the same time, one has to be wise and discriminating….otherwise the VULTURES of this world will slip in, and make your lives a living hell……
….then all like you so – will be crying and holding up your skirt in anger… Just like we are doing now with crime against women; the PISS POOR quality of our men and leaders; and our declining economic status…..a stitch in time….
There is a way the SEEMS right to ordinary folks! but the end thereof is death and destruction…….
Bushie if men and women like you and me would get involved and buss the ass of any man caught beating a woman nuff men would think twice before they lift a hand at a woman. What do we do? Many of us stand by and watch the altercation while it is taking place. If the village people would stand up to the abusers in their village then things will get better. If we all would stand up and be counted, march and protest what we see wrong with our system and DEMAND change we will get change. To stand by the sidelines and do nothing is agreeing with the perpetrators.
Islandgal
That is called MOB RULE.
It is NOT the answer.
The answer is for the STATE….The LAW to do exactly what you are saying. ….to be OUTRAGED by lawlessness and violence and to show ZERO tolerance.
…instead, we have donkey holes arguing that when such violent criminals have let loose their evil on the weak and defenseless, the state should be compassionate, forgiving, loving and respectful of the poor accuser…..
…and we buy that!!!!!!
Of the poor accused…. Sorry.
When we kowtow to criminals, we encourage potential abusers to seriously consider taking similar actions.
Sorry islan gal ac not getting wid u and beating up nobody too young fuh jail time . What people ought to do is vote persons that are in favour of having the laws enforced. ac not going to jail fuh no scumbag.
What people ought to do is vote persons that are in favour of having the laws enforced.
***********
You sounding like a BUPpy Yardie yuh!!!!
So will you be voting for Caswell too then ac?
A lot of Barbadian men have a problem with their two hands. Their do not know whether to put them in their pockets or hit the walls.
Is there any firm evidence that domestic violence is increasing? Or have we simply caught up with its reality?
What I can say is that I meet an increasing number of men who claim to have been the subject of abuse from their (female) partners.
Ross are you kidding man? Domestic violence is actually on the increase to the point where some churches are now offering their members domestic violence prevention programs.
I think the data shows quite clearly that domestic violence do in fact happen to some men, but in most cases it goes unreported because of the embarrassment associated with reporting such incidents
People who were born and brought up in our villages would tell you it is a joke that domestic violence is on the increase. what has happened is that women are less dependent on their men and therefore unwilling to take the humps and grumps.This post is not intended in any way to support the barbaric practice of men beating women etc, etc.
@Ross
This it matter if it is on the increase?
@Bushie
Our same lethargic approach can be applied to governance issues, how we regard the environment, the lack of discipline on our roads (Zrs and Minibusses) etc.
One must always look to the root.
Domestic Violence was accepted for so many years, that it became the norm. I saw my mother got beatings for just opening her mouth over something that she didn’t like. This went on until I turned 14 years old. She took all his clothes and had them waiting for him at the door, and she kicked him out. I always knew that my mother was able to handle herself when it came to him. I asked her why she took the beatings for so many years. Here answer was, “Son I always wondered if I don’t what was in my heart to him and went to prison what would happen to you;” In all honesty I wanted to make all the women I met in my life to pay for what my mother went through. One day my mother asked me why I did what I did. I told here it was to make up for all the beatings that she took. She made it very clear to me that would not solve anything, but could create another problem if I hit someone and that person died.
I am now 73 years old and I haven’t put my hands on a woman since I was 26 years old. I have tried to speak to young men and women about the violence. Many men has the feeling that I once had due to the attachment to their mothers who were both parents in one. PLEASE don’t get me wrong, it’s not the right way.
But it’s crazy when so called white people can demand that a person who has taken a life in a savage manner be spared the death penalty.
THE GOVERNMENT isn’t taking it serious either because many of the men are abusers themselves. When another woman can sit on her ass and say that another woman deserves what she gotten when the man has beaten her within an inch of her life is really hard to comprehend also. Some parents versions of punishment is brutal beatings, and tell you with every stroke that they doing it to correct you. But have it dawned on you that it’s being carried over when that male or female become adults?
**THE PUNISHMENT MUST FIT THE CRIME** , if you take a life you should NEVER be allowed the luxury to continue to have your life.
We as men MUST teach our sons and daughters that RESPECT IS A MUST. The name calling, and disrespectful remarks to woman MUST STOP. Females needs to address things in a proper manner, and don’t think it’s alright for any man to call you the **B** word and it’s alright to just laugh it off.
Men if you LOVE and RESPECT your mothers, you’ll do likewise towards ALL WOMEN;
@ Village
I am not quite sure where you’re getting your information from, because domestic violence affects every economic group, class, race etc…. Now, it is foolish to think that just because a woman is independent that somehow she is free of domestic violence. It is just not true!
@ Charles S. Cadogan
I don’t really understanding what would possessed you to put your hands on any woman after witnessing what your madda had been through?
listen! I also saw my father physical abused my mother on numerous occasions and I had promised myself that I would never put my hands on any woman and I haven’t as of yet.
Moreover, I thought you would have developed a hatred towards those men who physically abuse women after what you had been through ? EXPLAIN!
Charles, it makes little sense to me to physically abuse another woman, because I had been a witnessed to my mother’s abuse. I just do not see the psychological as well as the emotional connection there at all Charles. Perhaps, the social scientists have a better explanation than we do?
@MARK FENTY:
When my mother was abused, I was 6 years old at the time, and when this man placed his hands on my mother the very first time, I dropped a plan pot in his back. I am not proud for what I have done when I was still filled with hatred as a young man. But I woke up. I AM NOT PERFECT, but over the years I surely learn from my mistakes and doing my best to help others not to follow the path of violence against women,or children. You are you and the way in-which you think isn’t the way I think Mr. Mark Fenty. As I first said, I am not PERFECT, but I did learn from my mistakes, and doing my best to help others from doing as I have done.
If this explanation isn’t enough for you. **OH WELL.**
Charles, I am cognizant of the fact that you and I have our own faults and failings like any other human being. And I am not saying you ought not to have done what you did…. All I wanted to know is what drove you to do the things you had done. Thanks for you explanation anyway Sir!
@ Mark Fenty, You are most welcome, and I hope that you are doing something positive in helping others with domestic violence.
May you continue to be the best you can be.
Hello Charles nice to see you back on BU we missed you!
Hello Sweetie, you know that you are A STAR GIRL in my books.
I had to chill for a while and take-care of a few things on this end. But thanks UNTO THE MOST HIGH for all HIS MERCIES AND BLESSINGS.
One of my sons the other half to a twin was close to departing this earth. But he’s a fighter, and when the doctors started to count him out, he through THE MOST HIGH had other plans.
I miss all of you also, and truly thankful for all the information coming from all of you as to what’s going on in Barbados. It’s always a pleasure to see some do care, and some just want to blow of B.S.
May you and your family have A FANTASTIC HOLIDAY, and live to see many,many more.
Love & Respect.
Charles, I have just learned that a great blackman has departed this earth today. Nelson Mendela, a man I love with my entire heart, because of the sacrifices he had made on behaft of BLACKPEOPLE.
And if you haven’t read Mandela’s book: “(Long Walk To Freedom)” you ought do so.
Mark Fenty
That is not evidence. It merely shows we are NOW aware of a problem that has, in fact, been with us since the year dot…..as anyone who deals with these things on a daily basis will tell you.
David
No it doesn’t matter BUT it might be worth asking if it hasn’t (and I don’t believe it has) why we have suddenly become obsessional about it. My fear is that in the process we shall lose sight of the reality – partially discussed in the riff raff post – that in a domestic situation both parties are so often to blame and NEITHER is prepared to recognise there is a problem.
@Ross
Whilst what you posit is true are you stating for the BU record that getting physical, one partner over the other, is therefore explained away?
On 5 December 2013 23:35, Barbados Underground
Barbados Leadership making CONFLICTING STATEMENTS? Eradicate means to destroy/put to an end. Prime Minister says that it “CANT BE DONE”. Social Care Minister says zero tolerance “CAN BE DONE” and eradication is a must. CAN OR CAN’T SOMEONE MAKE SOME DECISIONS, and like… now?
We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.
Nelson Mandela
“Acknowledging that domestic violence could not be eliminated by legislation, the Prime Minister noted that the Domestic Violence Protection Orders Act was passed in 1992. He continued: “That was not designed to end domestic violence; it was designed to give people who were victims of it a remedy. And I hear persons talking about stiffening penalties and so on; that is not going to end domestic violence.” quote by Prime Minister via Sharon Austin article December 4, 2013
“The Social Care Minister also addressed the issue of violence against women, which he described as a “threat to destroying the family structure and society”. Affirming Government’s commitment to a “policy of zero tolerance to all forms of violence against women”, he asserted: “Eradicating it is a must!” quote by the Social Care Minister via article by Deanza Roberts December 3, 2013
There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.
Nelson Mandela
By Lisa King | Wed, August 21, 2013 – 12:10 AM
Daughters of a brutally attacked woman are begging the Royal Barbados Police Force to take all domestic abuse calls and complaints seriously. Caroline Forde’s four daughters said if the police had acted on complaints they made to District A and District C police stations after their mother was attacked last Thursday night, she would still be alive today. Yesterday the four young women sat at their Bushy Park, St Philip home where they discussed the events which led to their 49-year- old mother being stabbed about her body on Monday at the Bridgetown Fisheries Complex where she worked. A man who was known to Forde is assisting Police with investigations. Forde’s youngest daughter, Shellyann, told the MIDWEEKNATION: “What is really annoying me is that this is the third time he has attacked her, the third time we reported it to the police. He stabbed her once three years ago, beat her three days ago and now Monday this happen”. nationnews.com/articles/view/daughters-plea/
@Ross
To use your argument, so what is love?
The Barbadian Minister of Social Care, Constituency Empowerment and Community Development said that domestic violence in Barbados “‘is often fed by poverty, dependency, lack of education or capacity and the absence of empowerment'” (qtd. in Nation 30 Mar. 2011). However, sources note that the problem of domestic violence affects women of all stratums of society in Barbados (CADRES [2009], 14; Nation 19 May 2010).
Over the past few years, talk show host Tyra Banks has interviewed both Chris and Rihanna. “Rihanna told me her parents used to argue so intensely, she used to get these headaches, these migraines that were almost not even treatable with medicine,” Tyra says. “The moment her parents separated, her migraines went away.”
oprah.com/relationships/Tyra-Banks-on-Dating-Abuse/2#ixzz2lvaJdMzt
“MANY CHILDREN ARE crying out for help because they are being or have been sexually abused, but are adults listening to some of these cries? Some parents are turning a blind eye because they refuse to believe it.” ~Rhonda A. Blackman via the attached article
.nationnews.com/articles/view/child-sexual-abuse/
VIA UNICEF
REPORT 2012
TABLE 7: “Trends or socio-economic forces that make girls and boys more susceptible to sexual abuse”:
Poverty, limited supervision, inadequate parenting skills, visiting male partners of mothers, drugs, peer pressure.”
ALSO, “For example, apart from one ground-breaking UNICEF sponsored regional report for Barbados and the Eastern Caribbean done in 2009, not much else has been done in terms of investigating the issues in that sub-region.”
The gravity of the situation was highlighted in a World Health Organization (WHO) 2000 study which found that 42.8% of sexually active Caribbean children had their first sexual intercourse before the age of 10. And by the time a young person reached between the ages of 16- 18, approximately 29.8% had more than five sexual partners. Many of these were forced sexual encounters.
via article:
Barbados has recorded close to 800 reports of child abuse and neglect over a 12 month period.
That figure is believed to be a mere fraction of the true number of such cases on the island.
The latest figures from the Child Care Board have been revealed by social care minister, Steve Blackett.
He gave details during the launch of the “Break the Silence, End Child Abuse” launched Wednesday in Barbados on Universal Children’s Day.
Minister Blackett says the campaign is new beginning in addressing issues of child abuse here in Barbados.
http://www.cbc.bb/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=8695%3A800-reports-of-child-abuse&catid=36%3Alocal-news&Itemid=59
Ross, The Violence Against Women Act implemented by the Clinton Administration in the 1990’s has done little deter domestic violence against women in any meaningful way. Domestic violence against women has changed from the occasional beating of wife or significant other. To the daily shooting of one’s wife and significant other! Listen! My best friend Lana Miller whom I grew up with in Bush Hall St. Michael, was shot to death by her husband in New York City a few months ago. And many other cases I care not to mention here for personal reasons.
Using police homicide statistics from the years 2000 to 2007, the CADRES report indicates that, on average, 21 percent of homicides in Barbados during these years were a result of domestic violence against women (ibid., 6). According to the Chairperson of the Service Alliance for Violent Encounters (SAVE) Foundation of Barbados, an NGO that provides services to victims of domestic violence in Barbados (SAVE 11 Oct. 2012), approximately 10 violent murders of women by men reportedly occurred in the first 10 months of 2010 (The Barbados Advocate 31 Oct. 2010).
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=675975969100731&set=a.379712502060414.89990.378528335512164&type=1&theater
David…some thoughts
I don’t quite know what the “BU record” is – but if you’re asking me whether physical violence is, in broad terms, justifiable then, no, it isn’t. BUT there are various forms of violence some equally or more terrible and equally devastating to the victim of it. A person’s character and self-esteem may be destroyed by cruel words (which is why in the defence of provocation ‘words’ may be accounted) so that for some victims life has become meaningless, hopeless.
See, nothing is as simple as it seems and so whenever a blogger says ‘It is that simple’ I want to say that nothing is EVER as simple as it’s supposed to be. If it were we would never be arguing the toss about all and sundry on here with rational and intelligent people (even the old fox ac) on both sides.
We are often enjoined to ensure discipline in the home. But what does that mean? “My word rules – OK”? That is also a form of violence. Then consider whether we are a very physical society, a punishing society. Think of the expression directed to children typically by frustrated mothers: ‘I will lash you’. How many times do you hear that one?
I hope that whoever is the victim of violence in any of its forms will find a way of ‘coming out’ about it and if current concerns achieve that to a greater extent than hitherto then it will all have been worthwhile.
Kim and Fenty
As I said in the riff raff post there are more killings in the domestic situation than virtually any other. I tried to suggest that we should look at the root concept in all familial situations – which is love – but there were no takers.
Ross, if you haven’t as yet read Nelson Mandela’s book Long Walk To Freedom? You ought get your hands on a copy and you won’t be disappointed trust me.
Fenty
Thankyou for the suggestion.
You’re welcome Ross…
ross like u got a new way of defining domestic violence, i see u drag in ‘Defamation or character assassination as being equal or just as destructive as domestic violence , i think u ought to stick to the top at hand counselor instead of trying to drag every and everything under the sun to deflect from the need and importance for everyone to get involved with dealing with the problem pf domestic violence, everybody knows that there are several forms of violence but as of now the one concern is that which impacts families negatively worldwide, the issue of character assassination even though it can harm and hurt individuals its impact is short lived and more often than not the victim , remains alive writes a book and makes million from law suits !books royalties and made for TV movies, the Myrie syndrome effect if u please.
@ Ross
Skippa …you are REALLY beginning to worry Bushie…
“Root cause- which is Love….”
****************
What the hell….!!!
…you like you is a bushman yuh!! You serious?
Boss man…Love is a serious thing yuh!
You sure you want to bring that to BU?
BT
Love casts out fear. So begin with love.
(I didn’t say that ‘love’ was a cause of violence if that’s what you’re suggesting I said).
But yes ‘LOVE’ on here – a logical contradiction? H’mmm….you may be right. Yet we are, after all, a ‘family’ so who knows. Betta ask David.
AC
You old fox. You know very well I was talking about domestic violence in its various forms. THOUGH I have met a case where A, one partner, reckoned B, the other partner had defamed A to the world – and I guess that’s what people do all the time when they tell ‘stories’ about their nasty partnership experiences to people who will listen.
be that as it may domestic violence it is purest form usally involves relationship be it male or female or male to male or female and female, however given all i have mentioned the most pervasive and common recurring is that of the male female relationship and more often than not children are motherless and in some cases homeless . the aftermath is devastating and long term psychological harm to children can be for a lifetime .
@ Ross
In the final analysis, it IS all about love…..or more specifically the LACK thereof….
You are also (frighteningly) correct that while we focus on PHYSICAL violence, this is perhaps just the most obvious and simplistic form of abuse in a relationship.
Unfaithfulness, untrustworthiness, vindictive nagging, verbal assaults, sexual bribery and many of the dirty things that partners execute on their spouses are even worse in many respects than is physical violence.
In MANY cases the persons involved as victims of physical abuse are themselves guilty of inflicting various forms of other abuse on others.
Mostly, the only love that exists within relationships is the love of SELF (selfishness) ….and both partners use whatever means at their disposal to exact their own pound of flesh.
BUT….
Where there is true love for the other person- neither physical or other abuse becomes a consideration.
The question then becomes …why is there so little LOVE?
I don’t think it is a question of love in domestic violence I believe it is a question of ownership. The slave master relationship being played out.
yes island gal. control and domination the two fatal forces in a relationship almost like building a house on dynamite any moment with a spark the house is blown to bits occupants and all
@islandgirl.
The slave master relationship being played out.
And this is most noticeable if you stand back and observe a young boy and a young girl playing together? Without fail ,every time you will see the boy wringing the girl’s hand or hitting her with something. And many of our local plays on TV also brings this out.
The concept of LOVE regarding a “definition” has been long ago destroyed across cultures, world over. WHAT WE MUST NOW DO IS:
LEARN TO CARE. Love which is all inclusive of its’ opposite: Hate and all other degrees of emotion in the ranges between the two, ….well, they are what they are and will do what they do. so WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? …love can be a uniting as well as a dividing force based on individual perceptions.
So what are the FACTS? …Treating people like possessions, objects, personal property is in fact a legacy of the times of slavery… and women in the West Indies in particular we not only forced to work plantations but they were subjected to sex slavery. These things don’t just go away, they get embedded in our minds and pass down through time in our thoughts, ancestor to descendant, person to person, family to family. Some cultures find ways to liberate themselves from these effects more easily than others, some hold to them, some despise them… some don’t recognize them because they are so rooted in customs and traditions.
Men have been taught that “man is the master” of most things. Well. women are not “things”… objects, possessions, properties… She is not a slave to be WHIPPED with a LASH into submission or forced into obedience by the HAND of brute force. Some of us just need to RE-EVALUATE what it means to be a man, a woman, a family, a couple, a father, a mother, etc… Some just need a REMINDER that being gentle and nurturing are not signs of weakness. Some just need to learn how to channel stress, how to handle rejection, how to let go, how to live and let live… etc.
BUT UNTIL THEY DO, the RULE OF LAW, cannot wait. LOVE, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MEN THINKING THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH ABUSE AND MURDER! There has to be some CRIMINAL LESSONS in place to punish, rehabilitate, etc. while other government agencies work on the education piece, etc. There has to be a DETERRENT to committing domestic violence crimes and the police need monitoring and training. The women need safe places to go for counseling, housing, treatment, refuge, etc. where they can get help on “why they stayed” or whatever other concerns. The children need a program on respect and anti-discrimination run by schools or cultural agencies. The MIND of Bajans need re-programming. CHANGE IS CONSTANT.
Characteristics of a Potential Batterer:
• Jealousy
• Controlling behavior
• Quick involvement
• Unrealistic expectations
• Isolation of victim
• Blames others for his problems
• Blames others for his feelings
• Hypersensitivity
• Cruelty to animals or children
• “Playful” use of force during sex
• Verbal abuse
• Rigid sex roles
• Jekyll and Hyde type personality
• History of past battering
• Threats of violence
• Breaking or striking objects
• Any force during an argument
• Objectification of women
• Tight control over finances
• Minimization of the violence
• Manipulation through guilt
• Extreme highs and lows
• Expects her to follow his orders
• Frightening rage
• Use of physical force
• Closed mindedness
Yet no mention is even being mention of gay or lesbian relationships that involve domestic violence, they are enough that occur that should be of equal concern given that these relationships might be come matrimonial a reality and as of now some countries allowed gay lesbian relationships to adopt children.
Also, you have Chad, a resident of Barbados, mentioning “HOT PUSSY WHORES” and I must ask if this phrase doesn’t at all resemble the traditional and commonly used phrase: “YUHZ A CUNT”??? If he had used that phrase and made the same statement suggesting “women are at fault” would the impact of his comment be more or less dramatic?
view the link for Chad’s comment: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=679246992106962&set=a.379712502060414.89990.378528335512164&type=1&theater
ac, …………I AGREE. That’s why I again think children being taught to HIT/VIOLENCE in general is the major concern. Whether it be parents giving WHIPPINGS or parents teaching children: IF SOMEONE HIT YOU, HIT THEM BACK. We all grow up READY TO FIGHT and these are the type of things that can happen, whether it be MEN AGAINST MEN, MEN AGAINST WOMEN, WOMEN AGAINST WOMEN, PARENTS AGAINST CHILDREN. The DIVIDE AND CONQUER mentality is a harsh one.
BT
Yes.
Many of our children are emotionally damaged. Many do not understand relationships as they grow into adults especially the males. We have a lot of emotionally damaged people who are leaders, parents, teachers and professionals.
We must also understandi that we do not living in an ideal world and there is no such thing as an ideal family. Never before did I hear of a perfect family but perhaps you had but I certainly haven’t.
You show me the perfect father or mother who haven’t made some mistakes in the process of raising they young ones and I’ll tell you that you’re not being truthful.
Now, I must resort to the Hebrew Scriptures as an authority to validate the point I am going to make: ” The Bible tells us to Mark the perfect man/ woman.”
You know, we have to consider that fact that even though most of us have the right intentions; we often fall short of those intentions because of our faults and failing that is attributory to our human nature.
We clearly have good reason to be alarm because the evidence does shows that domestic violence is on the rise. But this does not mean in any meaningful way that we can’t work vehemently to change this unproductive behavior. At the same time though, we ought to bearr in mind that we’re not perfect by any stretched of the human imagination.
@ Fenty
I do not know where you live but find it incomprehensible that you cannot appreciate that greater independence among our women folk will make them less dependent on our men folk and hence there would be less opportunity for confrontation between them. To put it bluntly, there is a growing percentage of our women who have no reason to have domestic relationships with men ; a casual check on the occupancy of the several housing estates in the island would help you to appreciate my point . But as intimated earlier i have no intention of getting into any back and forth with you over what I have described as the barbaric practices that give rise to domestic violence .
What I am about to say will cause some serious thinking. Many of us who were introduced to the BIBLE at an early age. And if we read this book that kept being revised to suit what’s called the times.
In the BIBLE from GENESES we will see where thoughts of others has been placed in the minds of many towards to difference between MEN and WOMEN. From this book by the statement of a man were created, and a woman was made from the rib of the man, has been taken to a higher level in the minds of most men. In a few other parts of the BIBLE it was alright for a husband to speak to his wife about having another woman to have a son for him if she was unable to. Another part in the BIBLE states that when a man has work hard all day when he return home, his wife should meet him at the door with a basin of water to wash his feet and dry them with her hair.
With all of this said and preach to men and women for many,many years, many of us as men has the mind set that the woman is lesser than we are. But again the BIBLE tells us that within all things are GOD.
So if we don’t see the GOD that dwells within the woman,then the man shows the woman very little RESPECT.
We cannot continue to cover up the mistakes that we make in life and do nothing about them. If men continue to play the inferior and superior card, then they will NEVER BE ANY CHANGE.
I am not without any blame. But I have also learn that the way in which I thought that force resolved problems between a woman and I IS WRONG. Women aren’t object to be controlled by us or by anyone for that matter. If we are so GOD CONSCIOUS then see GOD also in the woman, to LOVE and RESPECT. When we were created a and given dominion over everything on this earth. It really wasn’t about controlling others, but being able to control SELF.
I RESPECT ALL WOMEN, and all of GOD’S CREATIONS.
I have NEVER given any of my children any harsh punishments either. Never cuss at them, or called them any names other that the names that were given to them. I have always shown my children LOVE, and did my best to help them to better themselves from my mistakes.
I will walk away from any woman when I see that we cannot come to a mutual understanding. And if she chose to be with someone else, then so be it, she can go with my blessings.
We as men has to learn how to let go, and understand that even when we sign on the dotted line that that person isn’t our possession. We can go on and on with this. But to resolve the problem we have to teach and practice what we teach or preach. Please don’t get it twisted,they are some domestic violence even within the church also, along with abuse.
Men should be able to teach the younger generation that VIOLENCE SOLVES NOTHING, but will create A MUCH BIGGER PROBLEM.
May the BU Family continue to be Blessed and Highly Favored by THE MOST HIGH.
It may be of some significance too to note that the greater independence makes it more likely that women will object to violent interaction and hence the incidence of domestic confrontations will be more likely made public than in situations where the woman is almost totally dependent on the man and hence afraid to report publicly on any suffering she is made to endure. If you can accept this you should be able to understand why modern statistics might indicate a rise in the incidence of domestic violence. In addition you may also wish to consider that in former times a man was restricted to the use of some instrument that was readily available ; a whip, a piece of wood, a chair etc etc to beat a woman ; today the availability of more destructive things like guns when used will naturally attract greater abhorrence and wider publicity to acts of violence between domestic partners. This should not be difficult for you Fenty to appreciate in spite of your NY experiences.
@ David
What is love?
*************
Love is quite simply having the same care and regard for the loved one, …as one does for one’s self.
Modern relationships (not only man -woman) are generally based on what individuals consider to be in THEIR own best interest.
Women marry with specific goals in mind for themselves
And men do likewise.
…it is only obvious that there will be a clash – unless these goals are common….which they hardly are…then it is every person for themselves …..and while the men do HIT….. We all know of the nasty, underhand tactics that women can and do employ….
What the hell is the difference between physical assault and a deliberate and targeted attempt to extract all of a man’s money/assets in an environment where material goods define success?
BOTH Women AND men are equally guilty of the HATEFULNESS that leads to the kind of relationship violence that taints our society. They just do it in different ways…..
Just like with our economic woes, GREED is the driver of this failing aspect of our societies…..
Villager I totally agree and that the more independent a woman becomes a man becomes more violent with her. The control has been eroded so he must look for a stronger means of control hence greater violence.
Men and women should understand that love is not control, you cannot beat someone to love you. Love is about respecting each other and accepting each others faults and recognizing that you cannot force a relationship to work and it takes two to make it work.
“We all know of the nasty, underhand tactics that women can and do employ….”
Bushie you are showing your bias again……are you saying that men don’t use nasty underhand tactics as well? And that justifies why men hit women? Bushie oh Bushie….you have so much to learn about women.
Alcohol and drugs are the other components that leads to domestic violence.
My father was also an alcoholic and whenever he drank he became mean. He stopped later when it was too late to save his marriage. Alcohol and drugs stunt the emotional development of people.
“the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”
Mystery of mysteries, birthed by mothers (at least @ 2013) Hollywood nothwithstanding, we find ourselves at this point where
(i) the same mothers marvel why their sons are disrespectful to women, when said mothers delight in their sons handsomeness and village ram practices, calling them hard seeds
(ii) “if my man doan beat me, he doan love me” The thing is that many of the Social/Welfare departments don’t report all of the psychological abnormalities that they encounter when they encounter the face of the enemy
(iii) children giving birth to children – 16 to 18 year old idjits, who want to “get breed, becausing dem friend got a baby” like babies is an I-phone, and we wonder what value systems a child can and will give to their offspring?
Couple this with the filth on the airways that we, the big people on the censorship boards, make available to our youth en masse, the ubiquitous internet, filth on demand and we incredulously wonder why we are where we are
Love, morals, ethics, respect are all anachronisms which have gone the way of the dodo bird, much like how the DLP has assassinated the memory of Errol Walton Barrow, we stand at the gate and see how these values are being eradicated.
So on one blog people champion Ri-Ri and her “bi-bitch” chants and then wonder how the interpersonal relationships between males and females are being eroded.
Now please dont misunderstand me, I am not saying that Rihanna Fenty is responsible for all of the ills of the world, it is by the slow, inexorable passage of waves beating ceaselessly on Oistins shoreline and Folkestone beach that, after years of batttering, the shoreline recedes and disappears like the once spendiferous Crane.
“Love is not control” has to be echoed by mother, father, uncle, village, nation with the ease and repetitiveness of ” Under my Umbrella, ella, ella uh uh” and spousal beatings and abuse, (note that i did not say woman beating causing i can show you many a man whose wife/woman does beat he a$$), will, as this and other training, takes root to eradicate this problem.
I got to go to the Feed my Sheeps tingy so i cant talk bout de alcohol etc and the Jekyllism that that breeds and the ensuing licks
Exhibit A .BU where on a daily basis men would hurled verbal abuse at the female with whom they disagree. i am hardpressed not to belive that the same is carried over in their marriages or relationships at a much higher level. in essence the higher the monkey climbs the more he reveals his tail. Statistics would show that men who are actively abusive tend not to be able to control their feelings under stress and are overly emotional to the point of losing control such can been attributed to male posters
@Bushie
There is some merit in your position. Given the historical treatment of women it may seem natural to some that they have earned the right to interface with men and the world with a ‘chip’ on their shoulder.
I am glad that the focus has shifted to love. I don’t think there’s less of it around or that interpersonal relationships have changed that much whether full frontal or by erosion as Pieceof seems to suggest. What I do think is that now all the warts in relationships are on the surface just as the so-called ‘sixties sex revolution’ heralded an openness about sex but did not redisocover kamasutra. Think of words like ‘control’ which 30 years ago no-one ever thought of as explaining an abusive relationship.
Consider this ( especially BT) which I have heard many times in one context or another:
“I got two fellas and I don know which to choose. Please advise.’ (sex or security?). Answer: you clearly don’t love either; why are you bothering?
Then Pieceof’s remark about the reason why young girls have babies – essentially an attempt to validate themselves.
Then ac’s remark about being beaten up on BU and consider whether some of us strong lusty rogues don’t carry the scars inflicted by her alone or in collaboration with ‘others’.
David asked me “OK RR what is love?”. BT said it was caring for others as you do for yourself. He said this was “simple’ and so self-evident and there is some Gospel evidence for that position. Yet a person may be ‘loving’ to others and feel the compassion of Jesus and yet hate themselves. Think of the self-flagellation of the saints to punish themselves for sin and make themselves somehow more worthy. (Yes, it may be a kind of self-love or, if not that, self-absorption and most certainly self-indulgence. But is THAT ‘love’?) Think of the ‘ordinary’ man who carries his sense of guilt around with him like a lump of sin.
There are so many things – which is why I didn’t want to jump in on this. But one thing I must say – and then no more.
David’s question is false. ‘What is love?’ insinuates the kind of answer BT gave…’Love is…’ as if to say there is a one-to-one correspondence between words and things. words and concepts; as if to say that language is atomic and words have MEANING rather than perform as signs. It implies that there is a central core of meaning in concepts as disparate as ‘blue’, ‘fragrance’, ‘chair’, ‘justice’ or that there is some kind of ‘ideal’ out there to which all earthly instances must correspond.
Yet think of my ‘love’ for my wife, my child, my son, my mistress, Jesus, Wagner, poetry, sex, my dog, my sheep whom I also feed. Are we using the word ‘love’ in the same way in each of these cases?
So better to say ‘What can we say ABOUT this concept of ‘love? How do we regard it as expressing itself? How is the word USED in language (think of ‘I love it here’)?
BT – I know what you will think and, of course, you’re right. But…..
LOL @ RR
….deep and sweet!
LOVE more tantazling and myterious .action of LOVE LOVE through the art of giving but how does one give LOVE when one does not LOVE themselves. In reality do we mortals able to express this wonder of all wonder in an unselfish way. Thats LOVE..
beautiful dialogue. bless.
I seed cowardly men lambasting women all the time in Bim.They say what they want – but always to females they be too coward to say it too a young fit man who just might cuff em in their fat mouths.
it sure aint no mystery why their sons grow up into cowardly bullies too.
Therapy