Female Abuse

Submitted by Charles S. Cadogan

I would like to touch on a very important subject, which I must confess I too was a part of; female abuse. My parents broke somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10 years old.  My mother after some years separated from my father got into another relationship. This guy was very quick with his hands.  I can remember the first time he hit my mother I cried and wanted to do something really bad to him. On one occasion when they were going at it, I hit him in the back with a plant pot. One thing for sure that got him his attention from my mother.

As the years went on the fights continued but not as frequently.  However I realised I had built up this hate to punish all women for what my mother had to suffer.  I felt if I did the same to other women I got involved with it would be repayment for what my mother had to endure.  When I turned 14 my mother told him he had to go. Guess he thought that he was so tough for all the years he told my mother it wasn’t going to happen. My mother grabbed him by his neck and the back of his pants and threw him out the door along with his clothes;  My mother told him that it was over and she had enough of his mess.

Later on I asked my mother how come all these years why she allowed him to beat her up like he did and never did much of anything to defend herself.  My mother told me, son I always thought that if I did what was in my heart to do to him, I would be in jail. I didn’t want to go to jail not knowing what would happen to you. But now you are everything to me, and all that matters. So I no longer need anyone else in my life.  My mother was in her late forties early fifties and she never got involved with another man.  She died at age 80 GOD rest her soul. I Love my mother with all my heart and she will remain with me for as long as breath remains in my body.

It took me some years to erase the mindset that beating women was the payback. This is not only about men in Barbados, but for all the men.

Mental and physical abuse towards women is WRONG, and should be dealt with in a severe manner by the law.  Women do more for us at times than we do for ourselves as men. When you find it beyond your control to deal with that woman who you are involved with, walk away. A real man would walk away but only a fool like I was would beat them thinking that it would place fear into their hearts. A woman will take so much until she has grown tired of our BS and then all hell will break loose. So before this happens just walk away and don’t keep dwelling on what you have done for her, and the time you invested  in the relationship. Nothing last forever, I am quite sure she has given even more to the relationship than you have.

Now this is something that if you as a man is honest to accept you will see what I am saying is worth it. If you have a mother who is still alive and is in a relationship,  sisters or daughters and a man should put his hands on them, I am quite sure that you would be ready to take that man out one way or the other.  Violence against women MUST STOP. These are times that things needs to become better for all and not remain the same.  Women have and still are being abused, even on the job.  I am sure that you know that most women doing the same job as a man don’t even get equal pay.

If you no longer have that love in your heart for your woman then allow her to grow without you being any longer acting like her slave master when you feel like it.  Beating a woman will never change her. It will only create more hate towards you.

Guys get together and talk plenty of BS about how they run things in their homes. And even laugh at others who aren’t violent towards their women. These men are called soft or punks and to be accepted by their so called friends they become like their friends.  Do not allow anyone to encourage you to be violent towards your woman.  Your woman should be LOVED, RESPECTED, TREASURED, and TREATED LIKE THE QUEEN THAT SHE IS, if you are the KING OF THE CASTLE. These women are the mothers of your children who have to endure what you are doing to their mothers.  If the violence towards women stop, the possibilities are endless as to how better this world can become.

Young men, take an old fool’s advice and STOP what you are doing wrong towards your women and also others.  Your woman if she’s for real has your back even more than your so called friends. So why not treat her with the RESPECT that’s due to her as you respect your so called friends?  No one should ever encourage anyone to do harm to anyone especially a WOMAN.

Bajan men show the world that you know how to really treat your women and become the leaders in the fight against FEMALE ABUSE. I hope that this contribution will open some eyes towards the problem of female abuse and help in some way to bring about change.


0 thoughts on “Female Abuse

  1. I have to be very careful how I put foward myself right now as i feel quite confused in one instance by the writer of this submission and on the other hand satisfied that someone has spoken out.This is not something that only a man could have done.A man might be able to show others men that violence toward a woman is just not on.
    Confused because,I do not see the holding of other women responsible for your mother’s beatings!So hence you turn around and beat women too. I a happy though that the mind set of at least one Barbadian man has been changed.I shall be convinced when MENSA holds forums and also in memories of…….women who passed over to the other side as a result of their abuse.The abuse still continues and maybe some men should ‘man up’ and seek real help or R.I.P
    What desired effect does Sen.Sandiford expect with no pun intended.I hope that when men are seen beating women in public that they intervene .So abuse against women is wrong.I find it so hard to forgive un-warranted abuse against the male or female person but I am told that in order to heal you must let go.Yeah right!!!
    A feminist wrote”Last thing ya gotta do is talk her(or beat her) into loving you. No need to she knows when the time is right comes to you without a fight-She wants to!”

  2. It is a vicious cycle that affects both men and woman the same way. there are some women who relive these events even though they had seen their mothers physically abuse in childhood.

  3. Female abuse by male partners or former partners was happening from time immemorial and it is still with us. The author has outlined his experience and I sincerely commend him for his turn around from abusing women. For him, to me, it was learnt behaviour being practiced in his adult life.

    @ Raymond the scripture says be careful for nothing but in all things through prayer and supplication let your request be made known unto God.

    So there is no need for you to be careful to speak – you will either speak the truth or a lie. You will either believe or not believe. I encourage you to send out the message to all men and women that abuse is ungodly and should not be acted out on either party.

    Teach them godliness – live godly yourself first – and be a light of righteousness.

    May God bless the author and may the submission draw men (both men and women) to change a negative behaviour to a positive behaviour through acknowledgement, confession, and turning away from this wicked deed.

  4. At last a man who openly confesses to have practiced abuse on women. The fact that he has come to his senses and no longer does this is encouraging because it is said that ‘once a woman beater always a woman beater’.
    Sadly, I know several women in this country who used to get beaten regularly (I say used to because I am no longer in contact with them so do not know if this continues – what I do know is that they are still with their spouses, something I will never understand). There was nothing more appalling than to see their black & blued faces and body parts, their eyes swollen, sometimes even blood coming from a good knock. They came to me and I ‘healed’ them, talked to them, fended off the men who found out where they were hiding, screaming like lunatics and hurling abuse at my door. One brandished a gun once. It boggled my mind when these women returned even when offered a helping hand to get back on their feet.
    Studying the situation I found that the statistics prove that having been beaten to a pulp, many women fall prey to the pleadings of remorse, the flowers, the chocolates, the promises of never doing it ever again from the men. I have seen big men cry real tears and say: “It is because I love you so much.” Love my ass!
    Now if those who live on this island, or any Caribbean island for that matter think that this only happens among a certain class of people…think again. It happens in all levels of the society from the top to the bottom. In all colours, creeds and religions. And women continue to fall for the bawlings of mercy from the man, continue to feel “the poor dear heart did not mean it” or “I can help him to stop”. What is worse is that many women not only hide this henious act on their bodies, minds and souls but pretend it does not happen at all. Many are scared to leave ’cause they feel it would be worse for them…the men coming after them and and and. The range of problems is wide…from what will the neighbours/the family think to I have to return for the sake of the children or we have no place to go on the woman’s side to “eff you leave I gine kill you” from the man’s. Family and friends sometimes know, watch and say nothing. Remember so many years ago the killing by beating of a woman from ‘high society’? Neighbours had heard the commotion going on for years and did nothing. the woman had been subjected to this abuse for years and stayed. And what happened to the murderer? He got ten years for manslaughter….what message did that incident send?? Ten years and out in eight?? He should have been hung at the top of Broad Street or left to rot tied to a pole for the rest of his life as a show of force. Maybe then men would have taken notice. But no, no, no …we are an intelligent society, we show clemency, human rights blah blah blah and the beat goes on (pun intended!).
    As for safe houses for women?? Another sad state of affairs although I have heard of one somewhere in the country but even this has been found out, and these abusive men have gone to the trouble to actually go there creating scenes (again do not even know if this place still exists).
    I also understand that there are men in this country who are subjected to this same type of behaviour from their women….all I can say there is something inherently wrong with all of this. I personally abhor any type of abuse whether mental or physical but unfortunately it appears that either/or both are rampant within many homes/situations based on “love”.
    Whilst I commend the fact that the abuse of women is being brought to the fore, I find that the advertising of same on CBC to be, to say the least, lacking. First of all most of the times I cannot even understand what these men are saying. Maybe other men do, I ent know. Perhaps a stronger campaign could show women beaten to a pulp and have them strongly condemn the man who did it, even give their name publicly. Maybe posters of men who are known beaters could be pasted on the walls of rumshops, churches, their names boldly shown. They need to be bowing in shame not patting each other’s backs for “keeping she in she place.”
    And by the way that horrible incident of a father being told by a headmaster that it was alright to beat his child in front of a class of others…showing the moral decay in our society. Was anything done about this? Have both these men been punished? I have not heard the result of this particular incident…have you BU? What message does this send out to our children eh?
    I do not know the answers with regard to putting a halt to this horrible state of affairs…at this point I wonder if many professionals in this field really know the answers themselves. If they do, they have not helped much as the abuse of women continues. Something is so very, very wrong with our society…and my heart goes out to any woman (or man) going through this type of violence in their lives because violence of any kind has no place in love. None whatsoever.

  5. I took the time to address the matter of **FEMALE ABUSE** to do my best in sending a message to others who still think that this is the way to go; One thing is for sure, you can never keep a woman in check unless she wants to be kept in check; As for keeping her in her place; That again is a crock of shit. If her place is with you who is suppose to be her man. Then you need to be her protector, not beating her half to death for the fun of it; I have seen men beat women in Barbados just for the hell of it; I don’t think back then much was done by the law to resolve this situation; Fear at times makes women stay around. Some stay because of the gifts and promises. Some stay because of time spent, and feel that things will become better if they change to meet the man’s demands that he has placed on them; When we as men can sit or stand around and encourage other men to beat their women, because they spoke out of turn; This has become worse than being on a plantation as a slave; I know that what I did back then was **WRONG** and I have asked GOD to forgive me for the wrongs that I have done against women for my simple minded thoughts; I have not put my hand on a woman in over 39 years, and I am now 71 years old; I feel better in all areas of my life from making that change; Until society **RESPECTS** women as equal to be paid the same wages as men does for the same work done. This too will continue to create a big problem for them. It’s sad that a woman when she decides to become pregnant for a man. Is actually taking a chance on her own life to create a part of the both involved; If we as men witness the birth of our child,or children. This should give us more RESPECT for our women to see what they go through to give us the child we say that we want out of a relationship; The penalty for FEMALE ABUSE isn’t severe enough to send a message; Men of the World who seem to think that women should be treated like animals to be beaten. Hasn’t ever given much thought to their own mothers. How can you care for an animal better than you can for your woman? That’s the most crazies thing that I have ever seen. Here in America in the eyes of the law men seem to be last to, women, children and animals; Some men still do get away with the abuse because the women refuse to say anything; Some mothers has even told their daughters it’s a normal thing that would pass; This isn’t back in the stone age. If you can improve on the way you look, then also improve on the way you think in regards to **FEMALE ABUSE**; I am going to continue to spread the word against **FEMALE ABUSE** because I know that it needs to **STOP** like yesterday; Life is made to be enjoyed with that woman whom you claim you LOVE; Love can never be acceptable when abuse comes with it; That love is a lie. The word love seem to be the cure all in many cases. Were both men and women accepts it and keep it moving; The time to change this madness against the CREATORS OF LIFE our women **MUST CHANGE**;

  6. Thanks Charles S Cadogan Sr.

    Women are carriers of life and should be embraced and not kept in check like a ferocious animal that needs to be tamed.

    I appreciate your representation and the passion you place with your support for the gentle, caring, compassionate, loving, effervescent ‘woman.’

    May God Bless you.

  7. De ting dat does always amaze me, is dat dese same men afta puttin sum licks in a woman, does got de gawl ta eat from dem. Dem in fritten dat dem get slo-poizen? stupseeeeeeeeeee. I warn my sons not ta hit first but if a woman evva hit wunna-all, hit she back trice as hard. And if dem playin dat dem igrunt n want ta control a woman wid lashes, well dem deserv a good stab or two. Yes, I warn my boyzzzzzz. Keep wunna-all hanz at wunna-alll sidez.

  8. Charles S
    You marrid? I lookin fa a good husban like you.
    Holla back.

  9. Hey Bonny good to see yuh here an dere. De last man dat raise he hand at me got a bust head wid a rock. He went tah de doctor and de doctor ask him wha happen ….he said dat his wife did dat. The doc told him dat his wife is a dangerous woman, it missed his temple by a hair. My ex said dat he will neva forget dat day…I tell he dat I agree dat he shud neva forget dat day because every time he raise he hand to hit a woman he shoud remember dat fateful day. Doan raise yuh hand and I aint gine raise mine.

  10. islandgal
    yes, i hay like Poonka donkey. All ova de place but tekkin um easy causen still unda de doc’s care. My surgeon is one a de sexiest men in Bim rite now. He is Dr. Thomas. Girl talk bout tall, handsome n sexyyyyyyyyyyyy. My Gawddddddd.

    Na man in gun risk raisin he han at me causen evrybody dat close ta me kno dat i got a few screws slacken off up top. So na man in gun mess wid me nor nun a my nieces fa me ta kno. I is a ‘out-patient’. LOL

    Good ta see you too.

  11. No man has any right whatsoever, to physically abuse any woman; the same goes for women who abuse men.

    However, this social plight, is a very complex matter, notwithstanding the NO! NO! of absuse, and that it should never happen.

    It is a fact, that men and women, though created equal by Almighty God, as human beings, ARE wired differently, that is, mentally, emotionally, physically and biologically; and this was obviously done by God, initially, before Sin entered and ruined what was otherwise, intended by God, to be an entirely complementary Union.

    In today’s fast pace, rat-race world, with all kinds of societal pressure on both male and female, where BOTH are in crisis, with men and women going after each other for the WRONG reasons, women like and want security, financially speaking, and men want sexual gratification, when this is at the forefront of many relationships, and true Love, Trust, commitment, and other essentials, are put on the backburner, tempers flair, impatience rises its ugly head, and, because men and women are WIRED entirely different, provocation, then becomes an issue, and the man, whose male oriented ego, driven by his Testosterone, rises up, wheras, the female whose makeup, is more emotionally based, and because the two of them, invariably see, perceive, and understand matters from an entirely different perspective, without proper adult maturity, in dealing with whatever it is, that gives cause to this heated situation, physical and emotional abuse, then becomes the venting valve, in the absence of controlled, sensitive dialogue.

    This issue, is a very serious matter, and has consequences for many, children, in-laws, neighbours, et al, and simply cannot be just dealt with by saying, ‘End Abuse Against Women’ as it is far more complicated than it appears!

  12. @ Zoe
    I have read your comment, and I agree on some of the things that you said; But this is what I know for a fact; Many mothers raised their daughters to be more attentive to their partners needs. Many mothers also are against their sons raising their hands against a woman; I was raised by my mother more so than by my father, because he spent most of his time working on ships to support us; I feel that if we continue to make excuses for the wrongs that we as men,and women has done, and do nothing to correct them. Then nothing changes; What good is know what you have done is wrong, but not share it with others to prevent them from doing the same thing? The strange thing about this abuse towards our women, is that when Bajan men has relocated to the USA. That beating goes out the window really quickly; I see part of the problem to be that women are more independent now than they were back then in the earlier years; So men get very frustrated about this, and refuse to accept they no longer has that edge where the women are dependent on them anymore; Yes I was married, and my wife died in May last year. Before we were married, we saw each other for many years which totaled to over 13 years. I have never cussed or argued with her not one day in her life. When I became angry I would leave the house and find things to do to remove my frustrations; She did not like cussing period. During our time I have never heard her cuss not once; When you find a good woman. You have to TREASURE HER, RESPECT HER, BE WILLING TO GO THAT EXTRA MILE THE SAME WAY SHE DOES FOR YOU; I feel that their is good in all of us. But we must learn not to allow our past to continue into our present; I am going to continue to do all that I am able to do to help others to understand the difference; I do not think that GOD wanted any of us to mistreat one another. If you don’t like what he said, or you don’t like what she said, walk away. But make sure that you never go to bed angry with each other; Life is much too short to allow a moment to be wasted through something that you have the power to change; Islandgal246, I hope that all is wonderful now in your relationship? Your girl Bonny Peppa is off the hook. I hope she feels better after here surgery?The name makes her**HOT** LOL,LOL.

  13. I find it disheartening that the question of female abuse seems to have not sparked the attention of the so many who furiously write on the BU blogs. Not important enough? Too close to home? Nuff said.

  14. Carson S
    My condolences on your wife’s passin. you want me ta help you mourn? gimme a holla.

  15. Wow! that song that Tasha P sang :- Let Our Children Play, is very serious, and should be payed attention to; In these what is called modern times. Children do not really play anymore like we did as children, playing physical games. All the modern technology that has created all these different games. Has taken away from our children really playing physically. As a boy, I had to take my place as a child. I couldn’t speak when I was being spoken to. I could even think about being involved in an adult conversation. Now all of this has changed. Children has became adults before they even finish being children. Children are talking back to their parents. Many parents buy their children by showering them with the things they say that they want. But spending time with them isn’t top priority. So many of these same children find themselves in a difficult position, and accept the gifts while seeking the attention else where. Many have became parents at an early age. A 14 year old boy and girl being parents, and their parents are between the ages of 33/40; But since the mother of this young lady is still in her prime of life. She now becomes her daughter’s friend instead of being the mother she should have been in the first place; Plus she don’t want to be called grandmother at her age. Pay very close attention to this picture, and see where a lot of this anger is starting to come from; Bringing a child into this world without giving that child direction and guidance, is like sending a ship out to sea without an anchor; We all have to make better choices in life in order to create better situations; This child has been mentally abused due to the neglect from his or her parents. To hear a parent telling a child that this isn’t the right time for this conversation, can be dangerous. You really don’t have a clue what this child wants to talk about in depth. Then the child is told I have been working all day to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. Not one of us has ever asked to be here. But we are here due to our parents lust,or need for pleasure. We have became the results. To hear a mother say to her child, I could have had an abortion when I got pregnant with you, but I didn’t. This is truly sad, and this child has started having hatred for others who are innocent to the whole situation; Abuse for females and males can start from an early age, or just be pent up inside for a long time . Like the old say, “An accident waiting to happen:” Like I have said before I am doing all that I can to spread the word against abuse towards females and males. This has to change, and it can if we all do our part to help in solving this problem that has been going on now for much too long; Giving your child what it wants, but not what it needs, can start a problem. When that child start becoming a teen, he or she will expect that others are going to do what you as a parent did. I have heard from both sides this statement. “My parents gave me everything I wanted;” But no man or woman is going to be your parent in a relationship. In a relationship it **HAS** to start as **US* never me. If this isn’t the way it is from the start, then for sure problems are going to arise; When a man or a woman feel that their are being used. Their will be problems that can become too big to talk about, so violence during that period seems to be the answer. This is in the mind of the couple; I feel that we must teach our children how to **RESPECT** the rights of other, the property of others, the freedom to express verbally without having to cuss, or **DISRESPECT** one another; But also be sure to know the company that your children is keeping. As young men and women, many of us has, and can be easily influenced by others. Teach our children to be **LEADERS AND NOT FOLLOWERS**; This Abuse starts from right at home, and is taken to the streets. Please don’t get me wrong. I hope you don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that you are beating you children. But if your children see, or hear abuse in the home that could be the starting point; If you don’t have abuse in your home. Then the abuse can start through the child trying to fit into a certain group of other children. We as human-beings are all in this together, and we have to HELP ONE ANOTHER FIGHT THIS ABUSE PROBLEM;

  16. There are some men whose insensivity, unloving, uncaring attitude, towards their wives/women, would frustrate and anger any good woman. All they want is ‘sex’ animalistic, raw sex; many men know nothing about ‘making love’ to their wives/women; the wives/women just accomodate this, for the sake getting the financial needs met!

    On the other hand, there are any number of women, wives, etc, who are down right miserable, moody, ( and we know the reasons for this!) at least some of the time, and extremely difficult to please; and would likewise anger, frustrate, and yes, provocate their partners, to the point of instigating, in some cases physical abouse, which is never right.

    Today’s nuclear society, is so far removed from a generation ago, with the abundant stress factors, that are constantly pressing down on the family unit, that if Husband/Wife, man/woman, are not properly founded and grounded in true Loving, sincere, commitment, understand what this union is supposed to be all about, after the initial, so-called sexual passions wears off, and the reality of one of the most serious and important decisions men/women can make, marriage, it will ultimately fail, for a number of reasons, that were not taken into consideration, before the step to live together whether it be formal marriage, or a live-wid!

    Most men/women, have very little understanding re the vast difference, and complexity between the mental, emotional, physical and biological aspects to the way they were created by Amighty God; its far more complex than just the physical attractions, that in most cases ignite their respective fellings.

    The emotional needs of woman, are very different from those of men, and, invariably, neither properly understand this, hence the constant tension that exist, either in a surpressed mode, OR, on the surface, where it gives rise to verbal exchanges, that can then elevate to anger, and, maybe, physical and emotional abuse!

    There is no easy fix to this extremely complex matter, unless both men/women begin to truly understand, by proper education, that we were designed and created by God, to compliment each other, NOT to compete with each other!

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