Submitted by Charles Knighton

A recurrent theme in today’s Barbados is why there seems to be a current of frustration and even anger flowing just beneath an apparent calm surface. To effect some level of remediation, I would offer for Parliament’s immediate consideration the following rules to live by.

1. It is no longer permitted to be both stupid AND slow. Individuals so afflicted are now required to choose one or the other.
2. Motorists who stop either one or both lanes of traffic in order to carry on a conversation shall have their vehicles confiscated. Said vehicles shall be moved to the road’s verge with appropriate signage for the edification of other inconsiderate louts.
3. Motorists who would seem to prefer a head-on collision with oncoming traffic rather than slowly negotiating a lane impediment such as standing water shall be referred to the Psychiatric hospital.
4. Any motorist whose vehicle is unable, or who is personally unwilling to exceed 25 KPH under any circumstance, shall be banished from highways. For the sake of their health such motorist are urged to consider bicycling or walking to their destinations, thus saving gas while still going from point A to point B in about the same amount of time as if they had driven.
5. If in the course of parking your car you are not able to maneuver the vehicle into a space in less time than it takes to recover from major surgery, it is not permitted to park in that space.
6. Effective immediately, a highly restrictive local form of Sharia law shall be implemented, requiring the surgical removal of one foot in order to provide those able-bodied moronic narcissists who insist on parking in designated handicap spaces a rationale to do so.
7. All vehicles will henceforth come equipped with gas caps on both sides, and gas station hoses will be at least 6ft longer.
8. When standing in line at a retail establishment patrons are required to have in hand whatever monetary instrument they intend to use before the cashier rings up the final item. It is no longer permitted to wait until the final item is tallied and then to rummage about in one’s belongings for payment, seemingly dumbfounded the items are not gratis. Also, conversations with the cashier on matters not relevant to the purchase are not permitted.
9. When purchasing food or beverages, anyone who has to leave the line to ask their dining partner what size drink or ice cream they would like, or anything like that, will be escorted from the store. Also, anyone who reaches the front of the line and then begins studying the order options as if for the first time, will be shot.  All deceased shall be handled as are confiscated vehicles in Rule # 2, and for the same reason.
10. It is no longer permitted to attempt to modify such words as first, last, or unique, as this is beginning to annoy me. Also, it is no longer permitted to say in any context whatever that one is seeking closure.
11. In office buildings and retail establishments in which entry is through double doors and one of those doors is locked for no reason,  the door must display a large sign which reads: ” This Door is Locked for No Reason.”
12. In a public restroom, when you have finished  washing up and then discover there are no towels, the owner shall be civilly liable.
13. All Barbadians will appreciate irony.

Thank you for cooperating, thus making Barbados a better place to live.