On Barbados Underground (BU) we discuss many issues, mostly serious issues, here is your chance to let off some steam by sharing anything you think is funny.
Jokes Corner
1 minute
331 responses to “Jokes Corner”
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Checking in again.
You all doing a good job.
@ Bonny Peppa
What”s with it with “Hard Head’ -
@ Anon
I said no to the abortion on the probability that the next child would be normal, if it weren’t what is one extra disabled child to someone who already has eight? I also chose A, the ‘qualities’ showed he was most human.
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This one is HAIR RAISING!
A woman stuck her head into a hair salon and asked,
“How long before I can get a wash & curl?”The beautician looked around the salon full of customers
and said, “About 2 hours.”
The woman left.A few days later, the same woman stuck her head in the
door and asked, ” how long before I can get a wash & curl?”
The beautician looked around at the salon and said,
“About 3 hours.”
The woman left.A week later, the same woman stuck her head in the salon
and asked, ” How long before I can get a wash & curl?”
The beautician looked around the salon and said,
“About an hour and a half.”
The woman left.The beautician turned to her girlfriend and said,
“Hey Juanita, do me a favour.
Follow that woman and see where she goes. She keepsasking how long she has to wait for a wash & curl,
but then she doesn’t ever come back.”
A little while later, Juanita returned to the salon,
laughing hysterically.
The beautician asked, “So, where does that woman gowhen she leaves?”
Juanita looked up, wiped the tears from her eyes andsaid, “Your man’s house!”
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anon
But wait, Beethoven in dead areddy? Ya khan kill ‘e twice. LOL, gotchaa.I chose Adolf Hitler without peekin. dat’s my ideal man.
Pat
ya had ma crackin up bout de disabled child. ‘what is one extra………….’. Ya crazy.ac
I don’t rememba who is Hard Head now. remind me. But who evva it is head probably hard. LOL -
A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on average men use 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000.
The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
The husband looks up from his paper and says, ‘what?”.Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
“No”.
“Neither did I”.What’s better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on my organ.A nun tells other nuns about how she was attacked the night before.
She explains her escape. “I stopped and pulled my dress up”.
Shocked, the other nuns asks, ‘And then what”?
“He pulled his pants down”, she replies. “And then I ran. A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down”.A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, ‘Last night I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink and we had ourselves a performance. Later that night about 2 O’Clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge and we had another great performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until i couldn’t wait any longer. It was 4 O’clock when I gave her a little nudge.She opened her eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal”.
“A rehearsal?” His buddy asks. “Don’t you mean a performance”?
“No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes”. -
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them..
The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed..”
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
“Well,”the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed..”
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
“Well,” explained the Redneck… “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”
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Elderly Lady with 5 boyfriends
I am seeing 5 boyfriends
every day.
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed.Then I go to see John
Then Charlie Horse comes along,
& when he is here, he takes
a lot of my time & attention.When he leaves, Arthur Ritis
shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.After such a busy day, I’m really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh, yes, I’m also
flirting with Al Zymer!I am thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER
to come and keep me company.Now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper…
the closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes…so have fun,
think good thoughts only,
learn to laugh at yourself,
and count your blessings!!! -
Little
Johnny Strikes Again…The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating..”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City , and
I was fascinated.”The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.”
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,”
so she called on him for his offering..Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The teacher sat down and cried.
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@BonnyPeppa
I think he say he got two heads and he asked”Which one is it?Merry Xmas to all yuh Jokers.lol!
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@Anon
I like the joke wid de woman peeking in
and out de beauty shop.
I wish yuh hada follow up to dat one though -
Every morning John would drive by
Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.
After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00.
The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.
John then dropped to $5.00.
The Beggar noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.
He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5.00 and said,
‘Wah happening man.. yuh use to give me $10..00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now is $5.00.. Whuh goin orn?’
John replied, ‘Boy, times get hard. Meh eldest boy just start university and meh daughter now in High School…so you know how it is.’
The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, ‘So wait nah…. yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending YOUR chirren to school?’
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funny lollllll!
Date: Thu, 10 Dec 2009 11:18:15 -0500Smile
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it’s safe to come home.
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once upon a time a jewish man was dating a jewish woman after going together for 3 yrs he finally got the courage to ask her to marry him.
She said NO!
he lived happily ever after who says fairy tales cant end happily -
Anon // December 24, 2009 at 4:08 PM
Man Anon, dah joke sound too true to be a joke. It reminds me of certain Jamaicans. Dey bold and would say the exact thing.
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A man was enjoying himself when suddenly the death angel turned up to take him along with him. He told the death angel he was not ready yet, but the angel showed him a list of names and told him that his name was at the top of the list so he would have to go. The man invited the angel to come in and eat all he wanted, take a nice long bath and relax in his bed.
While the angel was doing this the man went and changed his name from the top of the list and put it at the bottom. When the angel was fully rested and ready to go, he told the man,’you know what, you showed me such good hospitality i will do you a favor in return, I will now start to take people from the bottom of the list.’
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A woman walks into Tiffany and spots a beautiful Diamond Bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently passes gas. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that
a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may
we help you today?’Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?
‘He answers, ‘Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to $hit when I tell you the price.
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Sincerely wishing all of you a Healthy, HAPPY & Prosperous 2010.
May your New Year be filled with Love, Joy & Peace.
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while bathing a woman was soaping her skin and comlaning how the prices of everything in barbados was going upShe went on……. the price ah gas gone up! De price ah oil gone up! De price o sugar gone up ! and wid a loud exclamation she said as she washed below….Oops! De saop gone up!!!!
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A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, ‘If I had all the Beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the River.’
With even greater emphasis, he said, ‘And if I had all the Wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into theRiver.’
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, ‘And if I had all the Whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the River.’
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, ‘For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’
See you at the river.
Don’t forget your bucket. -
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all the right tools,she headed toward the nearest fishing lake.After getting comfy on her stool,she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ‘THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE”.’
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ‘THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE’.
The very scared blonde raised her head to the heavens and said, “Is that you, Lord”?
The voice answered,
“NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK”.Q: What’s the difference between love and herpes”
A: Herpes lasts forever.One day three dwarfs went walking and saw a sign for a ‘World Records’ competition. The first one entered the ‘smallest feet’ contest and won.The second one entered the ‘smallest hands’ contest and won. The third one entered the ‘smallest penis’ contest…………….. and lost.He came away very dejected.
“What happened”? asked his friends.
“Who’s Bill Clinton”?A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years then she dies. They have another funeral for her.At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out,
“WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL”. -
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.’THE SENILITY PRAYER :?Grant me the senility to forget the people?
I never liked anyway,?
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and?
The eyesight to tell the difference.? -
Dr.Poop, dis one’s just fa you fa questionin my abili-tee.
When Paradise Hotel was a paradise, there was this young woman working there either as a waitress or in the House-keeping area. She had a body dat men, like you, would die to make love ta. She had a botsy as broad as Spring Garden H’way. And she was famous fa ‘sleepin-round’. One day she and a waiter/barman arrange fa he ta cum by she when he leff work. My man head just went wild, he hormones tek ova and he did wukkin like crazy.He jus did wanna left work and get by dis woman.Anyway, de time did come and would you believe dat as soon as he get by de woman house and knock. Yes, knock, knock. Befoe de woman could open de door, he ‘release’ pun heself?
Now Dr.Poop, dat is a true,true story. Wah you feel happen day? And when he get in de woman house wah you tink happen? How you woulda handle dah?
Now if I was she,afta I done laffinnnnn, I woulda try real hard ta keep a strait face n tell he, ‘my man, when I tell you to come, I did mean afta not befoe”.
stupseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. -
In case you have been living under a rock for the last few days, Tiger Woods recently crashed his car into a fire hydrant just outside his Florida estate. Speculation abounds that the crash followed an argument between Tiger and his wife Elin in which she went after him with a golf club.
While I feel bad for what Tiger is going through, the incident has inevitably led to a variety of gags at Wood’s expense. Tasteless? Sure, but this is America – land of tastelessness.
Here are some of the best jokes we have been able to find so far:
* What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
* Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods…”clubs you can beat Tiger with.”
* News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods’ crash. They are calling it, “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger,” or how about “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant”?
* What do you buy a Tiger for Christmas?…A new windshield!
* Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he said that “this was the closest shave I have had yet.”
* Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger’s wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.
* Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second hole.
* Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls while his wife uses clubs to hit tigers balls.
* Just because you’re the world’s no. 1 golfer, it doesn’t mean you can’t be beaten by your wife.
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While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, the man left his hat on the bench, but
didn’t miss it until they were back on the freeway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place
to turn around. The woman fussed and complained all the way back to the
restaurant, that they would be late getting to their destination, etc. She
called her husband every bad name she could think of.When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the man got out of the car to
retrieve his hat, the woman yelled to him,
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my purse, too.” -
RICH!!!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth.
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Ass.
Iron in the Arteries.
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth…
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This is where these quotes belong…..
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/funnyquotes/a/patrobertson.htm
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: ” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me ….”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle”.
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.Doctor:” you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!”
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THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a
golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else
in the room stops to listen.
MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN: ‘I am at the mall now and found thisbeautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it
OK if I buy it?’
MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedesdealership and saw the new 2008 Models. I saw
one I really liked.’
MAN: ‘How much?’
WOMAN: ‘$90,000’MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all
the options.’
WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…thehouse I wanted last year is back on the market.
They’re asking $950,000.’
MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an
offer of $900,000. They will probably take it.
If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it’s
really a pretty good price.’
WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you
so much!’
MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths
agape.
He turns and asks: ‘Anyone knows who this
phone belongs to?’
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A Guyanese went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Guyanese .
The game warden ordered the Guyanese to show his hunting license, and the Guyanese pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Guyanese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?” The Guyanese reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?” Again the Guyanese reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Guyenese “Just where the hell are you from???!!!”
The Guyanese turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
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Subject: Liars in the church
A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday
I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my
sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at
the congregation he said, “Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If
You have read the chapter, please raise your hand.” Nearly every hand in
the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, “You are the very
people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters!” -
The Party Invite
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in WA as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’
‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.’
‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’
‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! .
I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
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The Party Invite
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in WA as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’
‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks
Thank you.’
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.’
‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em’.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’
‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! .
I’ll be there. Thanks again.’
‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’
‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’
‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’
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ResimaY
To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I can type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a reporter but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN nikname Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.
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Leroy from Port Antonio always wanted to look cool.. His friend told
him that he needed a good designer pair of sneakers to go with his
sweat-suit. Leroy saved up all his pay slips and all the money he
got back from returning his empty bottles of Red Stripe and finally
managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white sneakers to go with
his sweat-suit.Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers- by,
‘See mi new sneakers dem? Cool, eh?’ One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of sneakers, but young Leroy had a lace undone. Leroy scornfully retorted that it
was part of being cool to have a trailing lace, and that on the bottom of the sneakers there were instructions for the wearer to only have one lace tied.When asked for proof of this instruction, Leroy took off his Sneakers and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
‘See it deh! It seh ‘ TAIWAN ‘
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Five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many churches. They have been identified as:
Bin Sleepin
Bin Arguin
Bin Fightin
Bin Complainin
Bin MissinTheir leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.
However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along.
Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have:
Bin Watchin
Bin Waitin
Bin Fastin
Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return.NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
Note: You can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.
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@ bin Jokin
Where is the joke in that? Or do you not understand what a “joke corner” is?
NOT FUNNY, it did not even raise a giggle.
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With apologies to Government employees….
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes – caffeine.” “Have you
ever been in the military service?“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two
years.”The interviewer says,”That will give you 5 extra
points towards employment.”Then he asks,”Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says,”Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost
both of my testicles.”The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K.
You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM – and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don’t you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee, and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.
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Dad at the Mall
Please do not underestimate the oldies sense of humour…………….
Sally took her 92 year old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. They decided to grab a bite
at the food court. Sally noticed that her dad was watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors : green, red, orange, and blue. Her dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, ‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing her Dad, Sally quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on his response.
In classic style he did not bat an eye and replied:
‘Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’
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This is what a guy wrote to a systems Analyst (Marriage Software Division):
Dear Systems Analyst,
I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as, “Boys’ Night Out 2.5” and “Golf 5.3” no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected “Saturday Rugby 6.3” always fail and “Saturday Shopping 7.1” runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to “Girlfriend 7.0”, but uninstall doesn’t work on this program. Can you please help?
… AND THIS IS ANALYST RESPONSE:
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors’ Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the………C: APOLOGIZE FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C: APOLOGIZE FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as “Flowers 2.0” and “Chocolates 5.0” or “HUGS KISSES 600.0” or “TENDERNESSUNDERSTANDING 1000.0” or even eating out without the “Kids 7.2.1” (if Child processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install “Secretary 2.1” (Short Skirt Version) or “One Nightstand 3.2” (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.
Systems Analyst
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It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it is going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’
Remember this whenever you get advice from a government official!
Smile! -
Bible Study Humor
LOT ‘S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot ‘s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, ‘My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,’ he announced triumphantly, ‘and she turned into a telephone pole!’GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, ‘If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?’ A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
‘I think I’d throw up.’DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, ‘Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ? ”No,’ replied Johnny. ‘How could he, with just two worms.’HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, ‘We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is? One child blurted out, ‘ Aces!’MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. ‘Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead theIsraelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge
and all the Israelites were saved.”Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?’ his Mother asked.’Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!’THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23.. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the
first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.’UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
‘Well, Honey,’ he began, proud that his daughter was soobservant of his messages. ‘I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”How come He doesn’t answer it?’ she asked.UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, ‘Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?’ Tommy answered soberly, ‘I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!’ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, ‘And all girls.’ This soon
became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, ‘Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?’ Her response, ‘Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!’SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.’Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.’ said his mother.’I don’t need to,’ the boy replied.’Of course, you do.’ his mother insisted. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”That’s at our house.’ Johnny explained. ‘But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!’ -
Just a smile to brighten your face.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..
They couldn’t help but stare.As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’
‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ She replied,‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen.’
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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service , “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
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The New Alphabet
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won’t float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A is for arthritis;
B is the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure – I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next!
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or ‘flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy”, you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have – in my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, and I’m keeping six doctors fully employed. -
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying: “I know the whole truth,” even when you know nothing.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door, he says: ” I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20.00 and says: “just don’t tell you father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with: “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40.00 and says: “please don’t say a word to you mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying: ” I know the whole truth.”
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says: “then come and give your father a big hug.”
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief and said, “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The officer replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”
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Diary Of A Barbadian Who Just Moved To Maryland
We arrive in America!!! Finally! Dis marks a new chaptah in our lives.
It’s nice, nice here. It’s a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect … not too hot, not too cold.October 15th
It is getting a little cooler, but we adjustin’. We bought some sweaters today and went for a short walk.
Loving America!!! De cold got de wife nipples standin’ up good and hard tru’ she close. Man uh like dat.
This is what life’s about.October 30th
The weather definitely cooler now. We tape all the windows shut, so cold air cannot creep in.
Outside may be cold, but it feel like Beautiful Barbados in this house.November 11th
The news reports say snow is on the way … we can’t wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting to see it for the first time.November 14th
Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen. The wife cook Quaker oats and we sat by the window eating de oatmeal and watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. Could never do anything like this in Barbados . IT IS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!! Good foopin’ weather too!November 15th
We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Evah tree and shrub cover down like a beautiful white mantle. Uh get a lil piece befoah getting’ outta bed too. Den I shovel snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk.
Later, the city snow-plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again.
Americans are so friendly!November 18th
It snowed an additional twelve inches las’ night and de temperature has dropped to around four degrees.
The cold weather is not so bad we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined.
Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovel our driveway again.
Much of the snow is now darkish grey. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again. He getting’ to be a pain in de ass now.November 19th
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. I slip and fall down on my ass; went spladack in the driveway.
Paid $130.00 US for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken but muh botsy, sore sore doh.More snow and ice expected.
November 20th
Still cold. Sold de wife’s BMW and bought a 4×4 jeep in order to get to work. She vex vex coz she car sell and tell me dat all foopin’ dun.November 21st
On my way to work, the 4×4 skidded into the guard-rail and did considerable damage to the right fender.
We had another 15 inches of this white shite last night. The vehicle is covered in salt and crud.
More shoveling in store for me today. De damn snow-plow man do de same shit again. Watch me an’ him!November 22nd
Wha de Ras … the first heating bills just come! how the hell it come to so much??? De wife tell me lef she alone, I’se wanna be pon she too much. If uh get muh han’s pon dah bumpy rass snow plow man, he gine get it.November 30th
A two frigging degrees out a door! And more rassole snow pon de way. Not a tree or shrub inside de yard dat aint get damage. De current gone off most of the night. Muh balls draw up in a clump and I can’ even fine ma doggie. We try to keep from freezing to death wid candles and kerosene heater, but the heater tip over an’ nearly bun dung the kissmeass house. I manage to put out the flames, but end up wid second degree burns pun my a ** h * le hands, bunn off me eyebrow and eyelashes. Den de car slide on the white shite (again!) on the way to the hospital and I write um to ** ck off.December 5th
Cawblimmah… dis snow um aint gine stop??? De ting keeps coming down down! I does got to put on all a de clothes dat I own just fah go out to de damnwell mailbox. If I ever catch the bitch who does drive de rassole snow-plough yuh see he, I gine mek he mudda feel it. I gine buss he ass. I really think dey sey he hide round de corner and wait ’til yuh finish shovel, den come down the street fas’ fas’ and cover up de driveway again. Wicked stinking fucker plowing de sno, if ah kech he, uh gine plow up he rass!!!December 10th
Oh shite! De power still off. De toilet freeze up some and part a de roof look like it out fah cave in.December 15th
Eleven more f ** king inches a snow an’ ice !!!!!!!!!! God know… dis en right. Today I ketch de fukkin’ sno plow man and buss up the snow-plow wid de pick axe I did have in de shed, but de fukkah get weh befoah uh could f ** k he up good. De wife say no moah palacka fuh me coz I always in a bad mood.December 18th
The ignorantass car won’t start and I tink I gine snow-blind. I can’ feel ma toes and I en see the so & so sun fah weeks!!!! An’ guess wha? The weatherman predicting more snow!!!!!!!! Good fah he and dem. The wind chill is 30 degrees below zero!! I gwine get my ass outta hay coz uh can’ even shit comfortable nuh mo coz muh pooch chap.December 22nd
We movin’ back to Barbados today ’cause dis place like um gine kill me!!!! Wen uh try to pee in de toilet now, de pee duz go evah which way cause muh dickee shrink up so short uh can’ hole it an’ even if uh sit down to pee, de peepee does wet up muh own ass. Dis is sum sh * t fuh yuh doah. If I can’ ketch a flight, at least we gine reach just in time before Christmas dun in Bim. America a not fah everybody!! Especially we Bajans -
Brothel parrot
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. “What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it’s an absolute steal at only $20.” “Why is it that cheap?” the woman asks.
“Well”, replies the assistant, “it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity”
“Oh, I don’t mind that”, said the woman, making her mind up, “I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot”.
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.
“F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam”.
“I’m not a madam and this is not a brothel” scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.
f**king-unbelievabl e. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes” says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
“Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we’re not prostitutes” complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman’s husband Dave comes home.
f**king-incredible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin’, Dave?” -
HAVE A LAFF
Very Clean Humor1. What’s in front of a woman and back of a cow?
The letter W.2. What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Coconut.3. What’s about 6 inches long, has a vein running down it, and
women love to get their hands on?
A $100 bill.4. What goes in hard and solid then comes out soft and sticky?
Bubblegum.5. What is long, hard and round and sticks so far out a man’s
pajamas that you can hang a hat on it?
His head.6. What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and
a dog does on three legs?
Shake hands.7. What is it that a woman has two and a cow has four?
Legs.8. What assists an erection, often has big balls hanging from
it, and is also called a big swinger?
A crane.9. What do you stick poles inside of, tie down to get it up.
and also gets wet before you do?
A tent.10. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you
not to swallow. I can fill your hole.
A dentist.11. What do you stick your finger in and fiddle with when
you’re bored? The best man always has me first.
A wedding ring.12. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my
shaft. Both men and women go down on me.
An elevator.13. What comes in many sizes, drips when it is not well, and
makes you feel good when you blow it?
A nose.14. When I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your
box. When I come, it’s news.
A newspaper boy.15. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use
your fingers to get me off.
A glove.16. What has a stiff shaft, has a penetrating tip, and comes
with a quiver?
An arrow.17. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a
little pecker. I’m better in your hand than in your bush.
A bird.18. This is a useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6
inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by
members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling
loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump
of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the
other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always
willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a
warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and
drawn out again and again many times in succession, often
quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the
rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the
well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it
leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance,
some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces
of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing
liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its
freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit
of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice
or three times a day, but often much less. What is it?
It is your very own toothbrush.19. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.I worship the ground that awaits you. _____________________
A little girl was eating a snack at the Barber Shop while she was
waiting for her father to get his hair cut.Noticing the young girl, the barber calls to her : “Be careful.
You’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.”“I know,” replied the girl, “My mom told me already. I’m also
going to get boobies.”
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