On Barbados Underground (BU) we discuss many issues, mostly serious issues, here is your chance to let off some steam by sharing anything you think is funny.
Jokes Corner
1 minute
331 responses to “Jokes Corner”
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Billy wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…
One day, he got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.
BILLY said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor; you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up. ”
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.”
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, “The bastard used coins!”
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@sapidillo
I have an UPset stomach and I am about tothrowUP. I think I’ll drink
some 7UP. -
Sapadilla
After reading all de ‘ups’, I starting ta hicccc-up.I feelin up-pa-tee.
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@Bonny Peppa
You go girl.Chalk it UP.But don”t spit Up. -
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.” -
Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people; not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with ‘quick’?
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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze; whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’
The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’ By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “are you sure this is where he fell in?”
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Sapadilla
You doing ‘bad’ man. Keep on keepin on.ac
No, I won’t spit UP. But soon I will split-UP with you-kno-who? Can’t handle de rejection much longa. -
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.
The brain said: Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss.
The feet said: Since we carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, we should be boss.
The hands said: Since we must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, we should be boss.
The eyes said: Since we must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks we should be boss.
And so it was with the heart, the lungs, the kidneys; until the as*hole spoke up and demanded it be boss. All of the other parts laughed at the idea of an as*hole being boss. The as*hole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.
Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak, the hands hung limply at the sides, the heart, lungs and kidneys struggled to keep going.
All parts pleaded with the brain to let the as*hole be boss and so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the as*hole just bossed and passed out a lot of sh*t.
The Moral: You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just an as*hole!!
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A Minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the Minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how manyhad read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The Minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
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A stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on an Air Jamaica flight when the stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, “Let’s talk; I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his Walkman turned it down, and said to the stranger, “Wha yu like fe discuss, Sah?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger thinking that he would stump the Jamaican, he said, “Nuclear Power?” “Aaaright,” said the Jamaican. “dat could be one in-tresting topic; but mek me ask yu one question fus”. “Go ahead, said the stranger”.
“A donkey, a cow and deer all eat grass, rite? Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow tun out flat patties, ‘an donkey produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”
“Well, den,” said the Jamaican, “How de ra** is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don’t even know sh*t?”Moral of the story — “It is wiser to remain silent and appear ignorant than to speak and remove all doubt”
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@Sapidillo
the as-hole joke reminds me of muh boss.Fuh tru. -
@bONNY Peppa.
Yuh mean no suga lump in the tea for
Rok.Well dam yuh keep me in suspence
al dis time fuh nuttin? -
As I was thinking of a joke to post, Bimbro flashed across my thoughts.
Does anyone know him personally or know someone who does that might be able to say if he is ok. It’s not like him to stay away for such a long time.
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Sapidillo // December 12, 2009 at 9:45 PM
Man, he probably making trouble on two or three other forums all like now.
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Man Bimbro mussy got some new hot young ting dat got he sa busy, he in got time ta button-up (anudda ‘up’ word) he pants man. A perv like he. Murdahhh
ac
Yes child, ROK is treating me so scruffy dat I doan kno my head from my tail. But I in givin up (anudda ‘up’word). Love conquers alllllllllllllllllllllllllll. He’s still my ROK of Gabralta.I so distraut, I chan even tink bout na jokes rite now. But I’ll bounce back soon.
It’s betta ta love n loss dan nevva ta love a ‘tall.
(some idiot sa so)
stupseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee -
@sapidillo
don’t know of Brimbo but hope he is all right .maybe you can post said question on one of the blogs he frequented.@Rok
Call_UP Look_Up Think_up .Please Show-Up.
@Bonny Peppa.
all is fair in love and war. dont give Up -
Bonny Peppa, I have been in and out of this country trying to get on with the people’s business. It took me as far as the ACP Secretariat in Brussels.
Been spraining my brain to remember one and only got one.
A man was telling another man how he was being chased by a lion and everytime the lion about to pounce he slip. The other man say, man you brave, if that was me I would have shit my pants. The man say, “Well, I shit my pants too, what you think the Lion was slipping on?”
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2 Bonnypeppa
Look see how to get it done.Send S.O.S.
Now he showsUP.
may be next time try U.P.S. -
ac
I was beginnin ta get fed UP but seein dat he show Up n declare he innocence, we gun luv Up n mek UP.Like you say, all’s fair in love n war. So all’s well dat ends well.ROK
whilst ‘gettin on wid de people’s business’, you totally ignoring me. I want some attention too. when all else fails, I’ll be the one here standing faithfully by your side n lovin you. what more can i do to prove my luv ta you?
stUPseeeeeeeeeeeee, luv hurts. -
@ac: It seems as tho’ u r n luv wid de 2 ltr wurd. Haha.
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Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joined them after a few minutes. When the bus arrived, it was overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids were able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decided to walk. After a while, the husband got irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he tapped it on the sidewalk, and said to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’
The blind man replied, ‘if you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut to hell up.’
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This is not a Joke but thought it is good for a laff… Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery.
Robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
They cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At least we’ll have a bit to eat.’
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. Next day, the newspaper headline read:
‘IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING’…..
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@Sapadillo
Yes to yourQuestion.
It makes life a lot easier to lookUP.Keep dem jokes coming luv dem. Next time I see vanilla pudding in the store I’ll think twice before buying it.
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Son: ‘Dad, where did all my intelligence come from”?
Dad: “Well son, you must have gotten it from your mother, cause I still have mine”.What’s the difference between an in-law and an out-law?
Outlaws are wanted.Money:
A man will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item he wants;
A woman will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item she doesn’t want.Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.Me and my wife are almost inseparable; why last week it took four state troopers and a dog to tear us apart.
Six Most Important Men in a Woman’s Life:
The Doctor, because he says, ‘take off your clothes”.
The Dentist, because he says, “open wide”.
The Hairdresser, because he says, ‘do you want them teased or blown’.
The Milkman, because he says, ‘do you want it in the back or in the front’.
The Interior Decorator, because he says,” once it’s in, you’ll love it’.
The Banker, because he says, ‘if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest’. -
Why do men sit with their legs wide open?
So their brains can breathe.There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party, dated for two perfect years, had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon.Then they had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and his perfect wife were driving in their perfect car when they saw Santa Claus stranded at the side of the road. Being the perfect couple, they picked him up because they didn’t want their perfect children, who were at home with their perfect baby-sitter, mad because it was near to Christmas.
As the perfect man and perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?The Perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren’t real.
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What do you call a prostitute with her hand under her skirt?
Self-employed.Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
Because he comes only once a year and when he does, it’s down a chimney.This guy is standing outside on the balcony of his 5th floor apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he’s ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight until he can’t stand it any longer.He sends down a note on a piece of string,”If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not, please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10″.
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Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and went into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…”
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Mommy fainted!
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One day, an old man said to his best friend, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money; there’s a diagnostic computer down at that store. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong, and what to do about it. It takes five (5) seconds and costs five ($5) dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.”The old man deposited a urine sample in a small jar and took it to the store. He deposited $5, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine sample. He poured the sample into the slot and wait. Five (5) seconds later, the computer ejected a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in one (1) week.”
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, the old man started to wonder if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. He went back to the store, eager to see the results of this next test, he poured in his concoction…
The computer printed the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab…
4. Your wife is pregnant — twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.Thank you for shopping at our store.
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember- – –
Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called …
‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People.’Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink…
and be Mary.The difference between the Pope and Your boss…
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.My mind works like lightning, One brilliant…
Flash and it is gone.The only time the world beats a path to
Your door is if you’re in the bathroom.It used to be only death and taxes
Now, of course, there’s…
Shipping and handling, too.A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that…
He just cleaned the whole house. -
rihanna————lol
rihanna—————-ha! ha! ha! -
There is this old, good barber in Miami. One day a florist went to him for a haircut. After the cut, he went to pay the barber and the barber replied: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.”
The Florist was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop, there was a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.A policeman went for a haircut and he also went to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replied: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.” The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning the barber went to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
Then a Bajan engineer went to get his haircut. As the guy was about to pay him the barber said: “I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.
I am doing community service.” The Bajan software engineer was happy and left. The next morning when the barber went to open his shop,
guess what he found there…
Can you guess? Think like a Bajan!….think
think
think
thinkA dozen Bajans waiting for a haircut!!!
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Many of you might have seen this before…
‘Twas De Night Before Xmas (Bajan Style)Twas de night before Christmas, when all tru dehouse, all de fellers was tinkin ’bout puddin an’ souse
De hams were all hung by de sideboard wid care, in hopes that tomorrow, there’d be nuff sweet food to share.
De chil’ren were ball-up all tight in their beds, while visions of pumpkin fritters danced in their heads.
You cud smell de sweet bread in de oven from far, and I had just crack a fresh bottle of Cockspur 5 Star.
When out in de chicken coop there arose such a clatter, I jump up from my ottama to see wha de ram-bam was de matter.
Away to the window I flew like a ZR van, equip wid 2 big salt breads, holdin in my hand.
The moon on de dunks tree looked so lovely an’ bright, but it suddenly occurred to me that I was tired as shite.
When, what with my malicious eyes do I see? Wuh loss! A big musty santa-pee (ie.centepede), right by my feet!
Bring de cutlass goah-blemmuh! Dis ting gine bite me! And de nex’ ting I look, it was up by my knee
More rapid than Winston Hall dis ting start to climb, if I had some Baygon, I knew I’d be fine.
The brow of my forehead was starting to sweat, But wait! I hadda idea…I wasn’t done yet.
So I grabble piece a board and give it a chop, Wax! Puhlax! Bruggadung! Brax! I would not stop.
You shudda see de ting denn, it tek so much licks… It was now all over the floor, like corn beef on Crix.
But Beryl was ‘busing as bad as could be, ’bout how I dirty up de floor wid dead santa-pee.
Ah tell she doan worry and ah tell she don fret, ’bout that foolish old gal like she ain hear ma yet.
She keep making bare noise and giving backchat, so I chop she wid a salt bread, and dat was de end ah dat.
Author Unknown
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed…
‘Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!’God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, the man awoke as a woman…
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, and Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.It was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.!
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their X-AntiVirus: checked by AntiVir MailGuard (Version: 8.0.0.18; AVE: 8.1.0.28; VDF: 7.0.3.68) homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.At 4:30:
He began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.After Supper:
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.At 9 P.M:
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.The next morning:
He awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:-
‘Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!’The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
‘My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months,You got pregnant last night.’
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.What four words kill a man’s ego?
Is it in yet?What’s the real punishment for bigamy?
More than one mother- in- law.Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.One looks up and sees a funeral procession coming across the bridge.He stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.After the procession crosses over the bridge, the man puts back on his cap,picks back up his rod and reel and continues fishing.
The other guy says, ‘Gosh! that was touching. Didn’t know ya had it in ya.”
The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do, after all, I was married to her for 40 years. -
@ Sapidillo
He found 200 Bajans all wanting free haircuts. ha ha ha!
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@ Pat // December 16, 2009 at 7:12 PM
K, LOL. As the saying, “no good deed goes unpunished.” Not forgetting, “the way to hell was paved with good intentions.”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a Priest, said ‘I am a Father.’
The little boy replied ‘My Dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.’The Priest looked up from his book and answered ‘I am the Father of many.’
The boy said ‘My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.’The Priest, getting impatient, said ‘I am the Father of hundreds’ and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ‘Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
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Two virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newly weds call the groom’s mother for advice.The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle and things should happen from there.They do this but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off,get under the covers and nature will take its course.They take her advice but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.Getting frustrated with the situation she says, ‘listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot’.
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, “I’ve got my nose in her armpit—–now whatttttttt”?A woman is getting married for her fourth time around. On her honey moon she asks her husband to be gentle because she’s still a virgin. When he hears this he asks, “How can that be, you were married three times before”? She answers, ‘Okay, let me explain. My first husband was a gynaecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it.My second husband was a psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk about it and my third husband was a gourmet……….
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@ Bonny Peppa // December 17, 2009 at 10:08 AM, “…my third husband was a gourmet……….
a gourmet cook? Hahaha
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Teacher: Four cows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?
Little Johnny: None.
Teacher: Listen carefully.Four cows are on the fence.The farmer shoots one. How many are left?
Little Johnny: None.
Teacher: Can you explain that answer?
Little Johnny: One is shot.The others fly away. There are none left.
Teacher: Well, that isn’t the correct answer but I like the way you think.
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I ask a question?
Teacher: Sure.
Little Johnny: There are 3 women in the icecream parlor. One is licking. One is biting and the other is sucking her icecream cone. Which one is married?
Teacher: The one sucking the cone.
Little Johnny: No. The one with the wedding ring on but I like the way you think.
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, ‘they must be deer tracks”.
The second blonde said, ‘no, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks”.
The third blonde said, no, you idiots, those are horse tracks”.
The three were still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them. -
Sorry, it should be, Four CROWS not cows.
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One week a Pastor decided to press his position by preaching on commitment, and how the congregation should dedicate themselves to service. That Sunday, the Choir Director led the Choir in singing, ‘I Shall Not Be Moved.’
The next Sunday, the Pastor preached on giving and how the congregation should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The Choir Director then led the song, ‘Jesus Paid It All.’
The next Sunday, the Pastor preached on gossiping and how the congregation should watch their tongues. The hymn was, ‘I Love To Tell The Story.’
The Pastor became disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The Choir then sang ‘Oh, Why Not Tonight.’
After the Pastor resigned the next week, he preached his last sermon at the church telling the congregation that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was taking him away. The Choir then sang, ‘What A Friend We Have in Jesus.’
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One day while a male and female mental patient were walking past the hospital swimming pool, the male patient suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. The female patient promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Medical Director became aware of the female’s patient heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell her the news he said, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”The female patient replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”
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Three men all die on Christmas day and arrive at the Pearly gates.Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD
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Sorry.
Three man all die on Christmas day and arrive at the Pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell but because it’s Christmas, he’ll let them into Heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.
One of them has a Christmas ornament and Peter lets him in. Another has pine needles on his shirt and he gets in too. The third fella pulls out a pair of panties.
“How do those represent Christmas”? asks Peter.
“These are Carol’s”.What does a poor boy get for Christmas?
Your bike.Boss: ‘Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at the Christmas party that you could neglect your work around here”?
Secretary: “My lawyer”.How are a Christmas tree and a Priest alike?
The balls are only for decorations. -
One Christmas morning a cop on horseback,sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid,’Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring it for you”?
The kid says, “Yeah”.
The cop says, ‘Well next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike”.
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid with a $2o. bicycle safety violation ticket.
Before he rode off, the kid asks, “By the way, nice horse you have there, did Santa bring it for you”?
Humouring the kid, the cop says,”Yep, he sure did”.
To which the kid replies,”Well next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top of it”.Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus and unfortunately, so did my parents.
A boy was playing with himself in the bath-tub when his father walked in and said, ‘Son, if you don’t stop doing that you’ll go blind”.
The boy said, “Dad, I’m over here”. -
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with Astrologist. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first… no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
*
*
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember:
Amateurs…built the ark. Professionals…built the Titanic
And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year…Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to а
keep the rest of America in line. -
Anon, quite interesting!!
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